Why Leonard Nimoy should be shot. From 11/09/06
It all started yesterday... Someone called the radio station and said something about Bilbo Baggins... it went over my head. They played like 5 seconds of this song, and I was thinking.... oook lay off the J.R.R Tolkien folks. I probably spelled his name wrong, and that's ok by me. I do not like the fellow, even though he's long gone. I will explain.
When I was a senior in high school, I had this teacher. Mrs.... ummm.... crap. . I can't remember her name, which is sad, because, aside from this one thing, I loved her. I'll remember in a minute.
She was OBSESSED with Lord of the Rings. I never really had an interest in hobbits, hairy feet just don't turn me on, sorry. She had read all of the books, even that one that starts with an S... I can't think of it, but it sounds similar to Silly Moron, so that’s what it will be for now. She read the essays, had all the movies.... She even came to school dressed like the characters!
Mrs. GRAHAM! There we go... she won't mind me using her name. I'll tell her... and if in a few days you notice her name is gone, I was obviously wrong.
So... I think our big thing in the 12th grade was mythology and English literature. So we had the whole 1984 thing going on with 2+2=5 and all that, and Beowulf. And then Lord of the Rings. We had to rent the movies, and write several page essays on them, we had to read the books, and discuss them in depth. We had to act them out!
I did not want to waste my $5.95 plus tax on that silly book. I could have put gas in the 'Scort, or illegally purchased cigarettes, I could have eaten the good chicken in the cafeteria that day! No wait... I would have said "my lunch money's in the car... can I go get it?", and came back twenty minutes later with Wendy's.
I finally had enough of it, slammed the book down and said "Mrs. Graham.... I swear to God, that if I have to hear one more thing about this book, I'm going to slit my damned wrist with the pages" *slides book across wrist rapidly*
That is how much I don't like the Lord of the Rings. For Christmas one year, I asked my sister to buy me Bored of the Rings. Its great, you should read it.
So I'm listening to The Rise Guys again this morning, and they did the replay, and now I understand.
Sometime in the 60's... must have been the drugs... Leonard Nimoy, of Dr. Spock fame, decided.... "I think I'll sing a song about LoTR"
And this is where we get "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins".
It was hilarious. I laughed for 30 minutes over this song. I couldnt' get enough of it. The DJ, Nine... could not stand it, it infuriated him, which made it that much better, because every 15 seconds or so, just randomly *how I like it*, out of nowhere... the guy would start playing the song. It was the best thing since sliced bread man.
Until I realized that every time I opened my mouth to sing something, what I heard coming out of my mouth was..
"Its Bilbo *bilbo* Bilbo Baggins, he's only 3 ft tall, its Bilbo *bilbo* Bilbo Baggins, the bravest hobbit of them all"
Feel free to check it out for yourself.
This man recorded, I don't know, six albums. HE CAN'T SING! Which is a form of entertainment in itself but, geez man, come on. It’s... horrible.
I found a page with information on his various albums, the author of the page says this:
"Not satisfied with his musical disembowling of the most popular sci-fi series of all time, Mr. Nimoy turned his substantial talents towards the works of an elderly British fantasy literature writer.
In the course of the 2 minutes 18 seconds of horror that follow, not only is the plot of the entire novel given away but Nimoy knowingly lets the listener in on what Bilbo is really smoking in his pipe down in that wacky hobbit-hole. There is also a bassoon solo.
It would take Jimmy Page and Robert Plant years of hard work to come up with worse Tolkien inspired drivel.
Recently unearthed is the long-hidden music video to go along with the song. I don't think Bilbo was the only one puffin' on his pipe."
I tend to agree with this.
And apparently, they been passin' da crack pipe around the Enterprise.... Scotty didn't need a teleporter to beam them up, they were already high enough.
William Shatner, or as I prefer to call him, Denny Crane, he sings too... and those priceline commercials are nothing.
He did "Rocketman".
It makes William Hung sound like Pavoratti.
"I think... its going to be... a long...long... time... til... touchdown... brings me...round... again...to find."
It’s like him doing it on Star Trek.... its both horrifying and entertaining at once.
But like before, I think it’s something you need to hear/see for yourselves.
I have an almost irrepressible urge to do that twist like dance, you know the one... you have your arms bent at the elbow pointed out, wrists limp, and you twist your body so that your arms flail about and your hands just kind of wiggle at the ends? Ask me sometime, and I'll show you.
Ooh... I do have that video camera.
This...is why I think Leonard Nimoy should be shot.