Showing posts from July, 2011

Tasteless Merchandise to Fuel My Pillow Addiction

Do you want to know what I was doing while I wasn't blogging?

I was creating a Zazzle store called Mo Waffles.

Jenny Lawson is to blame for this.

Why is it named Mo Waffles?  I have no fucking idea.  Just like I have no idea why I created anything that I did or why Zazzle lures you in with promises of setting your own royalty rate when if you set it to 80% your t-shirts are priced to sell at $53.74.

This is a small sampling of the tasteless products I have to offer.

Goof-Off can't fix this mistake by MoWaffles
View other Tasteless T-Shirts

The front says "J/K", you know, for potential un-rapist boyfriends.

Dear Rapist by MoWaffles
See other Random T-Shirts

And because the movie Teeth freaked me out...

Vagina Ventata by MoWaffles
Become a clothing affiliate at

Please don't hate me...

... and go buy things.

The Five Seasons of North Carolina

It is universally recognized that most places on this big green ball have four seasons.

Winter – It’s cold.

Spring – Shit grows.

Summer – Shark Week.

Fall – Shit dies.

That being said, I would like to point out that the state of North Carolina actually has five seasons each year. Some of these seasons overlap for maximum discomfort and they’re known to us by slightly different names than the aforementioned.

Season 1: Buy Milk and Bread

Seriously, winters are coming, you better be prepared. If there is even a slight chance that a single snow flake could fall from the heavens, the grocery stores are going to be packed and then emptied of everything but candy wrappers and sadness.

It is a state law that mandates that when there is a winter weather advisory, you must go buy all the milk and all the bread in all the lands. You could perish in the temperate winters of the South. We’ve seen Alive; we know how this story ends. We’re prepared to eat our neighbors if we have to.

When you live in a p…

I Broke My Brain

The last few weeks of my life have been terrible and confusing and I had to take time off from blogging to have a small nervous breakdown.

I also think that I broke my funny.


I hold my own well in conversation, but Jesus the shit splattered off the fan too fast for me to keep up with it. This is why I still think that I need a stenographer, you know, for those special moments. And because I’m too lazy to write any or all of it down before I forget it.

For your sake, I will be breaking the chain of events down into small portions to make it easier to digest.

Why I Tried to Make Auto Zone Employees Cry

Holy fuck balls, y’all. Is there some kind of competency test they give their applicants and only the people who fail get to work there?

The condenser fan motor on my car went out. This is the fan that cools the compressor so that you can have cold air coming out instead of blowing your shit up. I went to various used parts stores and junkyards trying to find one, but theirs we…