Saturday, November 30, 2013

Ray, Heather N. vs. Wal-Mart, Inc. Part Four

These e-mail exchanges take place between August and October.  A few days ago I get another email.  This time from her paralegal.  This woman is extremely polite and well written.  She’s my dream, y’all.  Or was.

 Good Morning Heather, I hope you are doing well today.

We received the attached Mediator Order from the North Carolina Industrial Commission.
Once a Form 33 is filed, the parties must participate in a mediation conference.  If the case does not settle at the mediation, then it will be placed on the hearing docket to be heard before a Deputy Commissioner.

We can hold the mediation conference in our office (we are located in the Rich As Fuck area of Charlotte, NC).  Please let me know if you will consent to this, and I will get started setting this up.

Thank you!

Paralegal

I can work with this.  I can really work with this.  Except for the home field advantage.

Is there another place that would work for you?  My work schedule and location doesn't leave a lot of room.

Hi Heather,

Where are you located? We may be able to find a location in the middle.
Have a great Friday and I look forward to hearing back from you.

Thank you!

See?  This is how it should have been from the start.  She’s willing and eager to work WITH me.

I live on the east end of My County and work in That City.  It generally takes an hour to make it to Your County because of the traffic. Somewhere around This Place or That Place would be preferable if possible.  How soon can this be scheduled after a location is agreed upon?  Fridays are better when they're over.  Enjoy your weekend.


Hi Heather,

Would you be agreeable to come to our office for the mediation during "off peak" hours to cut down on the traffic. Say around 10:00AM or 2:00PM. I do not know of a location in This Place or That Place unfortunately. We are about 30 minutes from Your County. We will be mediating with Mrs. SAME LAST NAME AS THE FOUNDING PARTNER OF THE FIRM. Please let me know if you consent to this, and I will work on getting dates.

Thank you!

And there it goes.  What part of this is inconvenient are you not understanding?  I’m fully aware of how long it takes me to get to where you are from where I live and it’s more than 30 minutes.  It’s over an hour away.  And are you fucking serious with your mediator?  She has the same last name as what’s on your letterhead.  That sounds like it’s fair.  Why don’t we just get my mom to mediate?  She’ll be super objective.


It took two hours to talk myself out of sending this as a response. 




I'm still tempted.

But I refrained and sent this incredulous sounding (or at least I thought it was) email.

Last Name as in Last Name, This Guy, That Guy, and The Other One?


And then I get this.

Hi Heather - 

Yes - our office (Last Name, This Guy, That Guy, and The Other One) at this address.

Please let me know when you can.

Thank you!




I KNOW THAT THAT IS YOUR OFFICE!  I am not nearly as stupid as you think I am.  I know that that's where you goddamned work you fucking moron.  It's only on every fucking piece of correspondence I've ever received from you people.  


I was actually referring to the mediator's name being the same...  I need to check on a few things as that location, as I said, is inconvenient for me.

It saddens me that I had to point that out.  

Hi Heather,
Yes, the Mediator’s last name is “Last Name” and she does not work with our firm.  There is no affiliation; she just happens to have the same last name.
 Thank you!
Forgive me for not believing you.  I'm not a big believer in coincidence when it comes to people who lie for a living.  Her last name is "Last Name", so that's not REALLY her last name?  Is she living under an assumed identity?  Is that why you put her name in quotations?
Would you be willing to hold the mediation at the My County Public Library in This Town?  They have meeting rooms available for depositions and mediations.
Hi Heather, 

I will check with the Mediator to see if she will be willing to travel to the Your County Public Library in This Town, NC. We will need (2) private rooms at the library. Are you aware of a cost to hold the conference rooms? I doubt our Client will be willing to pay a "room fee" given that we can hold the mediation in our office for free. I will let you know if the Mediator will consent to driving out there and if you could let me know about a fee that would be great.

Thank you!


I'm starting to get really confused by your use of quotation marks around things that don't need them.  Are you trying to talk to me in code?  Pass me secret messages?  I'm to meet with "last name" at this place as long as there aren't any "room fees"?  Like, I'm actually going to be meeting your fixer and I should bring money or supply drugs or make sandwiches?  I have no idea what's going on here.
I just keep seeing this:
I have no idea what people mean when they do this.

There is no fee.

For fuck's sake, it's a public library.  They don't generate a ton of profit.  I doubt they're going to charge you money to sit in a public space for an hour or two and argue.  Quietly.


OK- let me check w/the Mediator to see if she will be willing to travel there w/out a fee.

Thank you!

So now we can't even be bothered to spell out complex words like 'with'?  PROPER MOTHER FUCKING USE OF THAT FORM OF PUNCTUATION, BITCHES!  Is that professional?  AAAAAND.... And I never agreed to your mediator.  That's really going to fuck up your day when I point that one out, isn't it?  My only goal in this is to cause you as much trouble as I possibly can because the longer this gets dragged out the worse it's going to look on the Little Attorney Who Stopped Talking To Me.

I seriously see this entire mediation process playing out like the first part of Wedding Crashers.  I will, at some point, yell "DON'T LOOK AT ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE!"  "YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO ME!"

Pray for me, y'all.  Because this shit is far from over.





















Ray, Heather N. vs. Wal-Mart, Inc. Part Three

Picking up where we left off.  I shot out another email to the lawyer.


I'm assuming by 'settlement agreement' that you are referring to the 'clincher'?  If so, or if the settlement reads anything like the 'clincher' did, I am not at all interested in signing it.  I will be blunt with you, one of my major concerns during this ordeal, that has lead to me not signing anything, is the carelessness with which documents and correspondence have been drafted.  Other than a strain on my time, the idea of a full evidentiary hearing doesn't bother me.  It won't have any kind of negative impact on my end of things.  However, the errors in grammar and spelling have worried me a great deal.  I will not sign any legal document that has errors.  Even after I corrected the repeated misspelling of Dr. I’m Tired of This Shit's name, you continued to misspell it.  I can only make assumptions as to why.  I have to leave for work now, but I will try to respond to any further messages if I get the chance.

Finally.  I finally got that out.  It was the extremely censored version, but still.  Notice that I say that I am on my way to work and will respond when I get the chance.  Note that shit.  Note it hard.

Heather,

That’s fine if you do not want to agree to a clincher. The only error in the clincher was the spelling of Dr. THANK GOD SHE FINALLY SPELLED IT RIGHT’S name. I told you I would be more than happy to correct that. The clincher was not drafted carelessly. Are you interested in accepting the rating with a Form 26A?

Yes, it was drafted carelessly and no, that was not the only mistake.  Not even close.  I received this email as I was turning out of my driveway.  I obviously couldn’t respond to it.  I obviously couldn’t respond to it while I was working either.  They don’t pay me to answer personal e-mails.  They pay me to work.  I usually pop outside for a smoke around 5.  A mere three hours after this was sent.  At 4:30 I receive an email from her legal assistant.

Good afternoon Ms. Docket Director:

Please see attached correspondence from attorney Dip Shit, and Defendants’ Form 33, Request that Claim be Assigned for Hearing.

Thank you,

Legal Assistant


That bitch went ahead and filed the mother fucking request for a hearing.  What part of “I’ll respond when I can” did you not understand?  You probably saw that I had read your email and took that to mean that I was ignoring it.  I wasn’t.  But let’s just skip merrily down “that road”.

I then received mail from the Industrial Commission saying that they had received the request and approved it.  And then I got a letter saying that we had to attend a mandatory mediation before the hearing could be scheduled.  At first everyone told me that I could not attend mediation without representation.  Then they told me that I seriously needed an attorney present because it’s Walmart and also a “very powerful” law firm.  And then they said “We won’t represent you this late in the game.”  What the actual fuck?  So, I guess having a lawyer would be awesome but no one wants to help because it’s for chump change.  And also, I’d have to pay them a large chunk of my tiny settlement.  I understand how the law works when calculating the settlement, but I heartily disagree with it.  I do manual labor.  I NEED my arm.  I need the shit out of my arm.  If it doesn’t function properly, I can’t work.  If I can’t work, I can’t pay bills or feed myself.  Or my dog.  THINK OF THE DOG!  Now, being that I do manual labor, I don’t make a ton of money.  The lawyer does though.  Comparatively speaking.  If she was in the same situation she would be getting ten times the amount of money that I am.  Why?  Because her salary is ten times higher than mine, but her physical workload is probably 10% of mine.  She, theoretically, doesn’t need her arm as much as I need mine.  She also has a bigger financial cushion to fall back on should she become incapacitated in some way.  I SHOULD get more money than she does.   But that’s not how it works.

Are you or someone you know a lawyer?  Specifically a lawyer licensed to practice in North Carolina?  Do you know any lawyers that fit that bill that also happen to hate the absolute shit out of Walmart and dickish defense attorneys?  Lawyers that maybe like overly sarcastic short women and their blogs that go largely ignored for long spans of time?  If so, email me.  Seriously.  If you've got some time on your hands and you'd like to offer me some really stellar legal advice, or better yet, free representation that comes with a glowing review on this very blog, hit me up.  Bitches needs help.

I have more to share with you.  Just wait.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Ray, Heather N. vs. Wal-Mart, Inc. Part Two

I wrote and deleted so many messages to the Little Attorney That Could (suck it).  As you see in the handwritten notes on the “clincher” settlement agreement, I had a lot of thoughts to share and I typed them all up so that I could mail them back to her with the unsigned agreement.  That never happened.  My sister works in the orthopedic industry and fielded several of my questions.  She passed some of them along to her friend who happens to work in claims management himself.  He thought that their proposal for $400 to close out the claim was completely ridiculous and said that I should counter with an ungodly high amount and then request a form 18M which once signed by my doctor and approved by the Industrial Commission would basically grant me the right to seek treatment related to the injury for the rest of my life.  I ended up sending the LATC this:

First Name Only,

At ten months post-op, I am still experiencing some level of pain on an almost daily basis.  This ranges from a nagging ache when there’s a change in barometric pressure to a sharp pain and inability to utilize the arm after maintaining certain positions while sleeping.  A few weeks ago the joint started catching and popping as it did before surgery.  This concerns me.  While I have been fully released by the doctor, my activities and actions are still limited because of this pain and fear of further injury.  I have had to put my life and plans on hold for over a year and I’m not entirely sure when or if I’ll be able to complete these plans in the future.
        
   The hospital sent me statements from my surgery and I am all too aware of just how expensive surgery and the resulting medical bills from the treating physician and physical therapist can be.  Taking all of this into consideration, I am, at this time, declining the “clincher” agreement offer of $3,110.80 that will permanently bar me from having any future related medical bills covered under this claim.  I would, however, be amenable to signing a ‘clincher’ agreement for the sum of $50,000.00 to ensure that should I ever require surgical intervention again (there is a considerable risk associated with this type of injury and surgery) I would be able to seek proper medical treatment without facing the fear of financial crisis.
         
I have requested a form 18M from the Industrial Commission should we not be able to come to an agreement concerning the “clincher”.  With the amount of issues I continue to have I do not feel comfortable signing anything that would preclude me from receiving further medical care as needed.

Bam, bitches!  I used big words and everything.  I knew there was no way in hell they would ever go for that but I was hoping that it might open the door to negotiations.  Nope.

Heather,

We reject your offer to settle for $50,000. Dr. Misspelled Last Name has given you a full duty release and has not recommended any additional medical treatment. We are not interested in settling your claim for any additional money.

With that being said, we will authorize a follow up appointment with Dr. Misspelled Last Name.  Troll will authorize the appointment with Dr. Misspelled Last Name’s office. Since you are working, please call his office to schedule your appointment at your convenience.

We still owe you the 6% rating to your arm ($2,703.60). I have attached a Form 26A that allows us to pay you that rating once approved by the Industrial Commission. Your medical claim will remain open until the time period lapses pursuant to the law. Please let me know if you have any questions. Although, please note I only represent Wal-Mart and Claims Company and cannot offer you any legal advice.

Again with the name!  Christ on a mother fucking crutch.

First Name,

That was more of my “line in the sand” than an offer, but I thank you for taking it into consideration as such.  I will schedule the follow-up appointment with Dr. LAST NAME SPELLED CORRECTLY AND IN ALL CAPS AND ALSO BOLDED AND UNDERLINED IN CASE YOU MIGHT MISS IT at my earliest convenience.  We will move forward from there.

I’m aware of who you represent.  I would find it odd to be having this discussion with you if you didn’t represent Wal-Mart.

Bam again.  I will be a shit right back at you.  I will be a shit back at you so hard that you probably fumed about this for the rest of the day and told all of your co-workers about it.  And in the middle of your fuming you will send an e-mail to the Deputy Docket Coordinator or whatever for the Industrial Commission that you CCed me on via snail mail.  And you’ll fuck that up too.



See?  Advising also advising.  Good job, Skippy.

Heather,

Will you be accepting the rating? Or will you decide after seeing Dr. Misspelled Last Name Again Two God Damned Minutes After I Corrected It For You, You Fucking Brain Damaged Sea Cow?

Little Attorney That Obviously Cannot

Jesus Herbert Christ.  Really?  No.  No, I am not going to accept the rating until I see Doctor You’re Just Fucking with Me Now, Right?  This was childish.  This was highly unprofessional.  You KNOW she did that shit on purpose.  *Stomps feet on ground while throwing tantrum*

I told her I’d decide after my appointment with Doctor Whose Name I Spelled Correctly.  Again.  But less shouty.

Heather,

Troll went ahead and scheduled an appointment with
Dr. I Done Fucked This Shit Up Again Because I Hate You on October 1st at 11:00 AM. Thanks.

Little Attorney Who Has Lost Her Goddamned Mind

(I didn’t even bother to address her by name)

Please consult with me before scheduling appointments on my behalf.  That time and date will not work for me.  Something came up over the weekend that took precedence over scheduling a follow-up visit.  I'm going to call and cancel that appointment and let them know that I will reschedule when this situation allows me.


My dog was hit by a car.  He had horrible road rash from his toes to his upper thighs.  All on the inside.  I cried.  It cost me a lot of money because he managed to do this after my vet had closed for the weekend and Banfield is ridiculous.  I ended up treating and bandaging the wounds myself and taking him to the vet on Monday where I paid LESS for him to be sedated, cleaned, and bandaged than I had for the other place to see him and give him a shot.  I had no time to be worrying about simple bitch and her shit.  Mick is totally fine now, by the way.  

Heather,

We are just trying to get you the medical treatment you requested. We saw that you are no longer working for Wal-Mart, so we went ahead and scheduled the appointment. It is our right to direct medical treatment. If you have gotten another job and have a certain schedule, we can work around that. We can only wait so long before we will file our Request for Hearing in order to pay out the rating.


Look, ho.  You can direct whatever the fuck you want to.  Traffic, air traffic, the NASA launch program, or a broadway musical for all the shits I give.  You do not and cannot direct my time or my life.  I said I would take care of it at my earliest convenience.  There was nothing convenient about my dog being hit by a car.

Oh, I quit my job at Walmart!  Fucking shit hole.  Worst years of my life.  I have been SO much happier since I left.  I honestly believe that every problem I had was caused by that place.  But I guess she thought that I was now an unemployed Just a Person who also happens to be stupid and desperate for cash.  Hooker, please.  I quit because I found a job making twice as much money.  And it’s not in retail or customer service.  And there you go again with “that road”.  Isn’t bullying and threatening, however subtle, unethical?  I will file the request myself if it gets you off my nuts.  I sent a reply but my email app decided not to send it.

Heather,

I have attached Dr. I Spell It Like This To Ruin Your Day’s medical report. Do you want to proceed with settlement or accept the rating?

Little Attorney That Should Just Give Up

No.  No. NONONONONONONONOOOOOOOO.  No. 

I tried to email you after the appointment and it was returned to me.  I need a few bits of information from you so that I can send in the form 18M.
IC File #
Emp Code #
Carrier Code #
Employer FEIN
Insurance Carrier name, address, phone and fax numbers.

Because fuck you.  That’s why.

She told me to check the attached form.  Hint hint.  It was missing information but I don’t give a shit.  And I still haven’t sent that form in because I’m stupid.

Heather,

Just a heads up, I will be filing a request for hearing this afternoon in order to ask the Commission to allow us to pay you the rating. This will take us to a full evidentiary hearing. Also, if you have filed a Form 18M please note you must send me a copy. We have the right to object and file a response. 

Thank you.

Little Attorney Who Just Went There

Oh, no!  She’s going down “that road”!  Also, she fully intends to shut down that form as soon as she sees it.  Way to be subtle.  And also, jump up my ass lady.

Are you not getting my emails?  I get an automated response saying they are being delayed, but nothing that says they are undeliverable.  Mail me the form and I'll return it with a copy of the 18M.  Do I also need to send a copy to Troll?  If you refuse the form, I can then file my own request, correct?



(She’s now not addressing me at all)

I have not received any emails from you. What form are you referring to? The 26A or the settlement agreement?

Little Attorney That Has No Reading Comprehension Skills

Seriously.  I refused, repeatedly, to sign the settlement agreement.  Why do you think I suddenly had a change of heart?  Because you’re touched in the head?  That’s really the only reason I can come up with.  Of course I meant the 26A.  Good job not answering my questions.  I guess they were just rhetorical.

Ray, Heather N. vs. Wal-Mart, Inc. Part One

So, now you know where I was working...

Remember when I was telling you about how I had gotten hurt at work and filed for Workers' Compensation and how everything went to shit after that?  Yeah.  Apparently when you ask the claims management lady, who I will only refer to as Troll, to send you the "clincher" agreement for your perusal and then you don't send it back in a timely fashion and then you just kind of dodge all of her phone calls, she gets a little angry.

See, when I was fully released back to work with a disability rating, the company owed me a settlement payment.  Troll laid out my two options.  I could accept the straight rating for something like $2,700 (which is a ridiculous amount of money for all of the shit I've been dealing with for going on two years because of this) or I could accept the "clincher" agreement for an additional 15% ($400).  What is a clincher?  It means that you basically sign away any right you'll ever have to seeking more compensation in the form of money or medical treatment.  Forever.  A regular settlement covers you for two years and leaves open the possibility of you reopening the claim at a later date should the injury lead to major problems later.  They wanted me to sign away my rights to needed medical care for 400 fucking dollars.  I told her to send me the paperwork and that I would look over it.  She ended the conversation with "Okay, we'll just send this to our defense attorney and forward it on to you." 

Defense attorney?  What?  When did this happen?  What the fuck is this shit?  That was my first clue that I should probably worry about this agreement.

About two weeks later I get a giant packet in the mail from a law firm.

The Coke bottle is there as a size reference.
It weighed a good three pounds.  It contained the agreement and all of my medical records.  It was ridiculous.  I set the medical stuff aside and started reading the settlement agreement.  Or trying to.  Now, legalese is confusing with it's weird ass phrasing and whereas' and heretofore's, but what tripped me up was the bad grammar and the constant misspelling of my doctor's name.  You see that stack of paperwork?  It was on 75% of the pages.  Seriously.  Look at this shit.




Each of the thirteen times she used the doctor's name, she misspelled it.  This isn't counting the emails I'm going to share with you.  You'll see various handwritten notes asking her to refer to attached notes.  Those were never sent.  Some things I didn't actually say, some were outright fabrications, the others were taken completely out of context and used in a way that was intended to make it appear that I was to blame for any lingering symptoms I had.  Like quoting me when I said my dog jumped off of a swing and caused me to jerk my arm while also pointing out that I told the PA that I had stopped wearing the immobilization sling prematurely.  I was wearing the sling when it happened.  What it doesn't share is that my arms flew up on their own in an instinctual move to prevent my sudden downward motion.  Or that I was sleeping around two hours out of every twenty four because the sling was causing me way more pain than I had without it.  And that the DOCTOR told me two days later that that was okay.  What she did there.  I saw it.

Lawyers are supposed to be master rhetoricians but this one failed.  I don't think she had any reading comprehension skills to speak of either.  Just zoom right in and read over that shit.  Look at the corrections I had to make.  Would YOU sign that shit?  I didn't think so.  I guess she just assumed that since I worked at Walmart I was stupid.

Well, I didn't sign it.  Obviously.  The lawyer called and was super nice and said she would fix the mistakes.  That I should just mark them out and initial them and SIGN IT ANYWAY.  Negative, Ghost Rider.  Not going to happen.  Then I just kind of stopped answering the phone when they called.  Then I got a shitty voicemail from the Troll.  The rest of this story is best told with emails.

Ms. Lawyer,

I apologize if I have inconvenienced your firm in some way by not sending in the agreement in a more timely fashion.  Life has a problem of getting in the way of paperwork.  There are a few things in the agreement that I felt needed amending and I am in the process of making annotations right now.  We had previously discussed my concern over the inclusion of payment to counsel that I never retained and the primary physician’s name being misspelled throughout.  I will have the unsigned document in the mail to you no later than Tuesday.  Once it has been redrafted to reflect these (and other) changes, I will revisit the issue.

I left a voice message for Troll at Claims Company explaining this issue after she left one for me to say that if I didn’t have this resolved within the week, she would be filing a motion with the North Carolina Industrial Commission to pay out the rate and not the settlement.  I, too, spoke with a representative from the Industrial Commission and she explained that there is no time limit for me to sign this type of agreement and that if such a motion were filed, I could appeal it.

Sincerely,

Heather Ray

I thought that this was an appropriate enough message.  It hit just the right note between bitchy and I’m Not a Fucking Moron.  It showed that even though I worked for Walmart, I could still keep from getting walked all over by a lawyer.  A brand spanking new lawyer.  A brand spanking new lawyer riding a power trip with her Napolean Complex.  Turns out bitches thinks she has something to prove.

Her response.

Heather,

Thank you for getting back to us. I am more than willing to make changes to the agreement. Would you have time on Monday to discuss the changes? I can make them while you are on the phone and send you a new version right away. This would save some time.

It is true that there is no time limit to sign the Agreement. However, we do owe you the rating and have been trying to contact you for quite awhile now. That’s what Troll was talking about, filing a Request for a Hearing to get the IC to order you to accept the rating. I hope we don’t have to go down that road. It would not be a motion and it would require a full evidentiary hearing.

The Little Attorney That Could

She just immediately disposes of any formality.  I’m not Miss Ray anymore.  I am Heather.  I can only assume that this was done as a power play to show that she somehow has more authority and control over this situation than I do.  I have now been downgraded to Just a Person.

As you saw in the photos of the settlement agreement, there were far too many issues to be sorted out over the phone.  It would have taken much longer to address them that way and it would have led to much arguing.  This is the start of the subtle threats.  “I hope we don’t have to go down that road.”  DUN DUN DUUUUNNNN!!! Not THAT road!  Oh noes!  You mean the road where you waste more of your time and Walmart’s money by calling in witnesses to repeat everything contained in the medical paperwork and where the judge rules and then later sends me a check for the exact same amount you legally have to pay me anyway?  The road which has no negative impact on me whatsoever?  Because that’s a terrible threat.  I mean, at least throw in some taunting that my mother was a hamster and my father smelled of elderberries.  Fart in my general direction once or twice.  Toss a cow over the parapet.  Tell me you’re going to viciously point your finger at me from across the room.  All of that is way more frightening than “That Road”. 

Lady, I squeezed money out of a tight fisted and almost legally retarded Indian woman over a wage dispute.  That took longer than this and resulted in way less money.  Not that you’re giving me that much to begin with.

I then get another email.  This time it’s from Troll at the Claims company.

Heather –

We had made several attempts to contact you and had not heard back.  I as an adjuster have procedures I must follow on my end to meet certain expectations in the claims that I handle.   In a situation such as this, where granted there is no time frame for an associate to sign an agreement, I unfortunately have to do things on my side to try to move a file towards resolution.   When I did not hear back from you I decided to take the claim a different direction towards resolution.

I hope things are well with you as I know life can get in the way of things like paperwork.  I didn’t mean to come across the way I feel I did in reading your email.

Thank you for getting back to us so promptly with an update on the papers.

Troll

“We had made.”  We.  HAD.  Made.  Where are your commas?  I KNOW that I harp on bad grammar constantly and that I am guilty of abusing it myself, but I’m not a professional sending out business emails.  I am Just a Person.  Way to quote my own words back to me, Troll.  Your attempt at snark is duly noted and dismissed.  You’re not very good at it.  I had a boss tell me once that I was allowed to call someone stupid as long as they didn’t realize I was calling them stupid.  I’m way better at this and I’m not really at risk of being fired, so I’ll concede two points to you because your hands are tied.  “I didn’t mean to come across the way I feel I did in reading your email.”  Oh, you mean as a total cunt?  Because you totally nailed that one.  And yes, you did mean to do that.  I had actually left her a very droll and monotone voicemail about my chat with the Industrial Commission before I emailed the lawyer.  I explained that I had no intentions of signing a legal “instrument” that contained so many errors.  SO MANY! And then I ended with “If you have any questions you know how to reach me.  Thaaank yeeeeeew!”

This shit really only goes downhill from here, guys.  But I’m going to share it all with you.  Because I love you and because I know that you’ll find something I missed and join me in my Not Just a Person, But Also a Giant Asshole Club.  Comment.  Comment loudly and proudly and share this with the world.  I'm going to need some help with this.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Other People's Bill Collectors

Someone, who shall remain nameless, has used my name and  number as a reference on things in the past.  When you're a reference and said person changes addresses and phone numbers, you get called.  A lot.  So you tell these collectors of bills that you are NOT that person, do not SPEAK to that person, and sometimes that you don't even know who they are.  Please remove my information and let's not speak of this again.  Please and thank you.

And then you tell them that repeatedly over the course of a few years.  And then you report one or two of them to the Federal Trade Commission for harassment or for phishing or scamming or because their voice sounds stupid.

And then you get fed up.

Like, righteously and mightily pissed and well beyond fed up because JESUSCHRISTIDON'TOWEYOUMONEYWILLYOUPLEASESTOP!

And then the yelling happens.

Today I awoke from a nap because my mother was currently screaming at her oxygen provider because they wanted to re-bill her for something that was refunded to her because it should never have been taken out of her account to begin with and I know your name isn't George Washington Carver.  You're in India.  Your overly patriotic fake name doesn't make me identify with you and I can't understand a fucking word coming out of your mouth.  Elocution classes are a worthwhile expense, offshore call center people.

I also had a world class fucking headache because I'm all "I NEED GLASSES SO I WON'T DIE WHEN I READ THINGS" and then I'm just "I CAN SEE THIS SHIT PERFECTLY FINE SO I FORGET I HAVE GLASSES TO STOP THE HEADACHES" so then I get a horrible headache and have to wear the glasses after I eat a lot of pain relievers.  Even when I don't read things or need to navigate around large, easily noticeable objects because I tend to plow into them with a lot of force because I think they're over there when they're really like two inches away from me.

None of this matters or probably makes any sense,

Woke up.  Screaming.  Headache.  There we go.  I had a voicemail on my cellular telephone device that never has enough signal to be useful where I live, so I call it from the house phone and instantly become irate because these bill collectors have called again.  I filed bankruptcy to stop these calls and now I get them for people who are not me.  Righteous.  Anger.

I write down the number and call them back.

It rings and rings and rings and rings and my anger is just steadily growing because my head hurts and I hate whoever is going to answer even though they didn't call me personally.  I hate them.  Hard.

"Thank you for calling _____, how can I help you?"

"Well, you can start by removing my damned number from your system and leaving me the hell alone!"

"NO!  YOU can start by addressing me accordingly!"

(NO YOU JUST DIDN'T!)

"Address you ACCORDINGLY?  And how would that be?"  (I'm a little loud at this point, as is the guy.)

"I'm sure your mother (MY MAMA WHAT, SON?) advised you at an early age to answer the phone with 'hello' before you start..."

"YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU PEDANTIC LITTLE PRICK ----"

"NO!  YOU LISTEN TO ME! blarljfohifokhjfldkh------"

I hung up on him.

I was seething!  I have never been quite so angry about any 30 seconds of phone conversation in my life!  But I realized that he hadn't removed my number from shit and that this would keep happening, so I went outside and called him back.

*ring ri---* "Thanks for calling ____"

It's the same mother fucking guy, y'all.  The same.  Mother.  Fucker.

"Hello, Sugar.  How are you today?  I don't want us to fight anymore, but could you be a dear and do me a favor?"  (I'm Southern and have an accent, but I really poured it on thick here.)

"Yes, ma'am, what was.... I'm sorry.  I can't  *Dies laughing*  Oh my God.  *more laughter*  What did you need?"

Now, I'M laughing too because this whole thing was fucking ridiculous.

"I need you to take this number 000-000-0000 off of your call lists because I'm not the person you're looking for."

"So, you don't know ____ (Completely mangles last name)?"

"(Corrects last name.)  Yes, but also no."

"So you're not speaking to them?"

"That's right.  And I'm sorry about earlier.  I keep getting calls from these 855 numbers, which is a strange number, so I assume it's always the same company and I keep telling them to stop and they never stop."

"I understand.  I've taken your number off.  Have a wonderful day!"

"You too."

The last time I had gotten a call, I put the number in my phone but had forgotten to call back and go through this with THEM and so I called THEM too.

*ring ring*

"Hello, darlin'.  Did you get another call from us?"

I died.


Friday, July 19, 2013

Zoloft Zombie

I suck at this.  I don't even feel that bad about sucking at it either because I just really never WANT to do it anymore.  I've had SO many things that I could have entertained you with over this last year and I just didn't feel like it.  Those moments are gone and so is the rage that would have carried me through the posts that should have accompanied them.  And that makes me mad.  Those moments needed to be recorded for more than altruistic or entertainment purposes, which I will sort of cover in a bit.  

I do feel that I owe you at least a brief-ish explanation as to why I just disappeared for so long.  I'm not going to even try to make this funny but it may happen on accident.  It really just depends on how angry I become.

I made the truly horrible decision to injure my shoulder at work last April.  I compounded that stupidity with the truly enormous load of dumb ass known as filing a Worker's Comp claim.  My work life took a turn for the worse as you would expect when you hold your large box store employer accountable for their bad planning and your bad luck. 

The day after I filed this claim my (I can't think of anything to call him that's not derogatory) boss wrote me up.  He made it his mother fucking mission to ruin my mother fucking life.  At least at work.  He bullied me.  He pulled me into the "office" for stern talking-to's on a weekly basis with his pet bitch about how I was unproductive and kept disappearing, or so says the anonymous person who apparently gets paid to watch me and not do any actual work.  I had one functioning fucking arm.  My dominant arm was in a sling and I was put on restrictions where I wasn't allowed to use my arm in a job that requires two hands for just about everything.  So, yeah. I guess I was less productive than usual.  For months on end he would have these threatening talks with me that never resulted in any disciplinary action because he knew he was making it up and would have no proof of anything he'd accused me of if he pulled the security tapes like he should have.  I was also written up and threatened with write-ups up to the point where one bad move would get me fired.  It was illegal retaliation and discrimination and no one gave a flying fuck when I reported it.

It got to the point where I was getting so angry that I would have panic attacks on a daily basis.  This caused the PTSD to flare up in a bad way.  I wasn't sleeping, I could barely eat, and the thought of going to work and seeing him made me physically and violently ill which of course lead to absences and the aforementioned write-ups.  Right around the time the anxiety started flaring up I went back to the free shrink and had to start a daily regimen of Zoloft.  To be fair to the Zoloft, it did manage to take the worst of the edge off and allowed me push through the nightmare that was work without having a complete mental breakdown.  That's where my fairness with it ends.  It also blunted the edge of everything.  Fun.  Life.  Goals.  Dreams.  Whatever I found pleasant and fulfilling in life became a thing I could no longer summon any enjoyment or energy for.  So I stopped writing.  The major goal of most of my life was taken from me.  I blame that mother fucker whose name I want so badly to spread across the masses.  He's a childish dick who has never amounted to anything and takes pleasure and pride in belittling and putting down those that aren't like him.  Wow.  You made it to middle management on the store level of the largest employer in the world.  Feel proud, you useless cunt.  

I had an actual legal case with this, but haha, they don't pay me enough to afford a lawyer.  And another, bigger haha:  The promoted him.  Every single person in the store that had an ongoing Worker's Comp case was retaliated and discriminated against by him and we all complained.  He did what he was there to do.  I hope you choke on a dick, person whose name I won't say.  Yet.

Anyway, yes.  The Zoloft kind of ruined everything that he didn't, including this blog.  I stopped taking it the day before I had shoulder surgery in November.  I don't recommend the shoulder surgery.  I didn't regain "full use" of my arm for almost six months after it.  Which is another reason why I haven't blogged.  And then we add into it that even though Fuck Face is gone from my store, work has started to suck again and the edge is back because I wanted to grow back the feelings that Zoloft stole (they didn't come back, just the rage) and well, my PTSD is the worst it has ever been in regards to anxiety and anger.  I throw things now.  It's not as freeing as you would think because then you just want to throw more things.  All the things.  Just throw 'em all.  I'm just so Goddamned angry all of the time at everything.  Which is apparently hilarious to everyone until the throwing and screaming starts.  Then they just look really afraid of me.

I have a plan though.  A plan to get me away from the situation for awhile, to have a lot of fun, and the best part is... I think this fun escape plan is actually going to go a long ways toward treating my PTSD.  All will be revealed in time and know that I'm probably going to need some help from whoever it is that still checks in on this dead blog from time to time.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

So, This Happened Earlier...


This happens more than it should.  You start off asking a perfectly innocent question and then shit starts getting real in Oz.  I'm not sure if I'm pleased with the turn of events or ashamed of myself for having no control.



Hannah  ** also, if anyone has any tips on caring for 4wk old puppies that the mother stopped nursing but they weren't ready to stop...that would be greatly appreciated.

Heather Facebook ate my comment. I'll try this again.

***Related to post and not entertaining***
10 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

Heather You should feed them 3-4 times a day at regular intervals and aim for the same time every day. You can try to schedule when they dirty bomb your house with their unexpectedly rancid surprises.

If you know what they were feeding the mother, try to feed them the puppy version of it. Might help minimize the damage from the aforementioned biological warfare attacks since they've been mainlining it since the womb. Or just make them more likely to eat it because that's what their mom ate before she dropped them off at the library and took off to Tijuana with that sketchy Dalmatian, Tito, from two blocks over.

The milk isn't even necessary unless they just won't take the gruel at all or if you just feel better about using it at first. Just don't give them cow milk. It's about as nutritious to dogs as water and way too fatty. Sort of like liquid Twinkies. Don't let them eat their feelings. It feels good now, but it will feel a lot like shame later. Then they'll have to eat Shame, too. A deliciously vicious cycle.
9 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

Heather There is something deeply and irreversibly wrong with me...
9 hours ago via mobile · Like · 2

Zach  Ol Tijuana Tito lol.
9 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 1

Heather  If I could get a no chewing guarantee and knew that they had some sort of force field that would repel my sexually deviant and soon to be neutered lab mix, I would take one. I don't think my dog has left me enough sanity to go through the EAT ALL THE THINGS! stage again while constantly having to protect the virtue of everything, living or inanimate, that smells appealing to him. Mostly cats and small woodland creatures. If you throw in a bonus inability to use the bathroom inside, I will take them all and trade you a traumatized but really, friendly cat.
9 hours ago via mobile · Like · 2

Heather Tijuana Toto is bad news. Hide yo kids. Hide yo wife.
8 hours ago via mobile · Like · 4

Heather Not Toto. He's so bad that my autocorrect won't let me type his name right.
5 hours ago via mobile · Like

Zach They're brothers. Toto got hooked on the bad stuff while in the Land of Oz. Same stuff the Munchkins were on. When him and Dorothy came back to Kansas, he couldn't shake it. But Tito, I've heard, is much worse.
5 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 1

Heather I knew that Lollipop Guild was a front for micro organized crime!
5 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

Zach The Wicked Witch of the East was gonna rat them out. They through her under that house.
5 hours ago via mobile · Like

Zach Threw* my bad
5 hours ago via mobile · Like

Heather Their arrival from Kansas at that time was no coincidence. Stumpy Two Toes from the East Side Shorty Squad was sending a message. Y'all came to the wrong neighborhood, it said. He needed muscle and he needed someone to get his inhaler off of the top shelf, because, fuck you, Roland, that shit ain't funny. Given her instructions, enough hallucinogens to take down an elephant (just the really small ones they had at that roadside petting zoo right off of the Red Brick Road exit) and the threat of being sold into a life of slavery with the other Reachers, should she fail, Dorothy set off to give the Wizard a message he'd never forget.
 5 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

Zach Nobody likes Roland. I heard, from the Cowardly Lion, that he turned the sprinkler on the Tin Man while he was cutting wood. I wouldn't mess with him though, he'll take your knee caps out.
4 hours ago via mobile · Like

Heather  He was later involved in a terrible "accident" that confirmed the rumor that flying monkeys love midget meat.
4 hours ago via mobile · Like

Zach Yep, it was a sad story. VH1's doing a show on his life. From his childhood, to his drug abuse, to his "short" time in the adult film industry. Kind of a tell all. I hear his widow Bridget is went through a shallow depression during the filming.
4 hours ago via mobile · Like

Heather The part where his former adult film star Chuy Bravo, alleged lover of boss Chelsea Handler, gives his heartfelt eulogy brought tears to my eyes. It was tough to watch. Going from fluffer to fame to having to make a living from selling Trojan balloon animals on the streets is hard and leaves a man a little bitter. Falling short of his dreams sent him over the edge and straight into a life of crime. He merrily skipped over small crime and was reaching for the top. Sadly, it was just out of his grasp. Roland " Little Pun" Goldstein had many enemies, but those that knew him before he tried to climb that ladder to the top will miss him dearly. In lieu of flowers, Bridget is asking for donations for her leg extension surgery. She just wants to rise above it all and aim for something higher in life.
4 hours ago via mobile · Like

Zach  I gotta hand it to Bridget, she's a bigger person than most munchkins that have been in her shoes. What I couldn't understand is why producer Marv Levinsteen, who was friends with Roland, would just turn his back on him after his bout with ED. I mean sure he kinda ruined the film with "Tiny" Tina Levey, but to knock him all the way back down to low budget films with D list actors? That's just cold.
3 hours ago via mobile · Like

Heather  Even professionals need a little help from time to time. Medications have really stepped up their game. They could have cleared that hurdle together, but sometimes wounded pride is just too big to swallow. (That reminds me, Tina has left the business and started a non-profit to help uplift out of work actors when they're low.). 

I think I'm going to die of puns and go straight to hell where Tiny Tim will beat me with his crutch.
 3 hours ago via mobile · Like

Zach I guess it is kinda small of us to be making midget jokes. Oops lol
3 hours ago via mobile · Like

Heather  We should learn to be the bigger person and walk away.
3 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

Zach We should...but what's the fun in that? 
Didn't we start out talking about a puppy?
3 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

Heather  I think it was mentioned.
3 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

Zach  It was short lived.
3 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 2

Heather  Quickly overshadowed by our tall tale.
3 hours ago via mobile · Like · 2

Zach  Our short stories
3 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 2


So many puns.  So.  MANY.  

I felt bad about how offensive this was until I remembered my dad telling me that during the filming of the Wizard of Oz, filming had to be stopped or postponed because the munchkins were going behind props and having monkey sex.  So I googled.



And then I google imaged Tiny Tim.



I had to go looking for that specifically because what I found was a fucking nightmare.

The fuck is this shit?
Mother fucker has red eyes, baby teeth, and probably skitters.  With a crutch.  This is what I fully expect to be waiting for me in hell.  Except it gets worse...


Scrooge should have just let this one go...

I may never sleep again.  Tiny Tim and his ukulele playing ass. 

Don't google image this shit unless you set very specific parameters.  Ever. 

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