I'm Stoopid (From 1/15/07)

Carol Anne Poltergeist Pictures, Images and Photos


Yes I am.

But maybe, just maybe, I’m not the only one who has made this mistake.

You see… I more or less work a third shift job. I get up around 2:30 am and head on out delivering papers, working the production plant, clearing drops, running shortages, all manner of things really. So I usually go to bed pretty early.

I fell asleep around 3pm yesterday, book in hand, Napoleon Dynamite on the tube. I did not mean to do this. I meant to force myself to stay awake until at least 6 before dropping off.

Well, now that we mention the hour of six, it brings us to the stupid part of my story.

When I woke up it was SIX O’CLOCK! I had to be at work at 4:30!!! I started freaking out, I was still wearing the clothes from the day before so I just rolled out of bed, put my shoes on and ran out of the apartment. Get outside and into the car and I start to think to myself… “You know… there are an awful lot of people out here this early in the morning…”

And then it hit me… but not before I called dispatch in my whirlwind of confusion and apologized for being so late.

Do you know what this great epiphany was?

It was 6 pm.

I wasn’t late… it wasn’t even bed time yet. So I went to the store, bought some caffeine and called and left another message for dispatch saying to just disregard that message… a trampoline had fallen on my head when I was younger, and I blamed that for everything.

Has this happened to anyone else?

Or is it just that I’m really dumb?

Moving on. I will call this portion: Things that I THINK I see at 4 am.

I’ve realized over the last few months that my already fertile imagination hits its peak in the wee hours of the morning. If I could remember what it was like to actually sleep through those hours as most people do, I would probably realize that I have the strangest dreams at that time. But alas…I haven’t a clue as to what it feels like to wake up to the morning sun. You should be grateful that you have this gift… day walker.

Harmless inanimate objects become blood sucking, weapon wielding fiends in the early hours.

Things I think I see at 4 am.

· A bicycle rider, which upon closer inspection turned out to be a trash can with a reflective strip hanging out of the lid.
·Deranged people standing on the side of back country drive ways waiting to kill me are actually just rather large semi-deceased bushes.
· The serial killer that was walking down Fairview Rd this morning wearing that creepy all white porcelain facemask? A rather tiny Asian lady with a scarf over her nose.
· Scarecrows that leer at me evilly… actually really evil looking scarecrows…and don’t even try to tell me they're not of the devil.

Things I have actually seen at 4 am.

1. Halloween… evil little kid staring at me from a second story bedroom window. Sort of like Carol Anne from The Poltergeist. What small child is up at 4 am staring through windows?!? With a RED GLOWING NIGHT LIGHT! “Theeeeeeeeey’re heeeeeeeeeere!”

2. Bear poop… doesn’t sound like much, but when there is a trash can that said bear has overturned in the road, and you have to get out to move it… it’s not cool. So I just ran the trash can over and went on with my business.

3. Strange man sitting on the side of a back country driveway in a lawn chair with a mask. It was actually a dummy… but do you really want to pull your car up to a man like that when your windows down? I think not.

I’m starting to think I’m schizophrenic. Because I refuse to believe that I am actually just that stupid.

And to the people who own Cujo on route 306… I’m sorry I screamed and woke you up this morning.

And to the lady who was stupid enough to manage to flip her car numerous times this morning through a customer’s front yard… as much as I enjoyed the show… I had a job to do… and you messed that up.


Brianne said…
I could have written this post word for word. Except I don't deliver papers, and I'm not nearly as educated as you. Okay so not word for word....but you know what I mean.

U shore do tawk all shmart like maaaaa'mmmm...

Okay, anyway, I've done the whole "wake up and freak out because you think it's morning, but you're actually 12 hours off" thing. And my imagination also morphs inanimate objects into disturbingly scary things....so you're completely normal.

Well, you're like me anyway...

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