Consternation (From 1/22/07)

why im so short Pictures, Images and Photos

Consternation.

Dictionary.com defines that as “A state of paralyzing dismay”.

So, I will today write about things that consternate me, perhaps even discombobulate me as well.

First things first, it being Super Bowl time, I’ve been paying careful attention to all commercials.

Tampons.

I know that this joke is an old one, but I still feel it’s a problem that needs to be addressed.

The tampons of old would apparently enable you to ride horses, participate in complicated water sports, and various other activities.

But today’s tampons are super cool.

With these I could be the next Mary Lou Retton. Or Mia Hamm. Maybe even Anna Kournikova.

All because I use the new Sport Tampon.

Uh huh.

Who would have thought that what amounts to a cotton ball on a string could bring you such joy?

And has anyone noticed that they all end with an X? Kotex… Playtex…Tampax? (With the exception of O.B. because frankly, that’s not really a tampon… it’s an ear plug). Is there some special ingredient or formula they use so that they all have to end with an x?

Yes… I really just blogged about tampons and there’s nothing you can do about it.

P.S. Real men buy tampons.

Carolina vs. Duke… and yes, I put Carolina first.

These are the worst people you will ever meet. Carolina fans will not, under any circumstances, pull for Duke, no matter who they’re playing against.

They will throw the best parties when they’ve won, and hardly ever start riots.

Duke fans… are evil.

Sure, maybe I wore my UNC basketball shirt to work on purpose to annoy someone, but does that really call for you grabbing my head, throwing me down and giving me a noogie? NO!

You are a grown man! I am a 20 year old girl! AND! You almost made my nose ring fall out.

Say something negative, even in jest, about Duke, or someone being a Duke fan and they will want to kill you. That is not an over statement. They will glare at you constantly every time you’re around them. They clench their fists and have to almost be physically restrained to keep from smashing your head into the first handy surface.

And they’re the ones who riot. UNC… so much better… who has a higher ranking? Who between the two of them won the championship last? Uh huh… that’s what I thought. Back off you sore losers.

And what’s really funny about that rant is… I hardly ever watch college basketball unless it’s down to the Final Four and even then it’s iffy.

Tall people.

You are not special.

I hate “height discrimination”.

People are always making fun of me because I’m short, but you know what Mr. Average height?

You are average, and frankly, that’s all you will ever be is just average.

I’m feeling a little mean this morning, can you tell?

I’m not short. I’m just unusually not tall.

And tall people? You hit your head more.

Great thing about being short is we don’t have to duck as much. We are also nimble and quick, like monkeys, due to our years of experience having the climb any available thing just to be able to reach the meat drawer in the refrigerator.

You think it might be funny to hold things that we want over our heads so they’re out of reach? While you’re distracted with your infantile games we’ve probably tied your shoe laces together, or are quite possibly getting ready to launch a violent attack against your shins.

Be prepared. We are the short. The vicious. The proud.

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