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My Drunk Review of... Fifty Shades of Why Do I Keep Doing This to Myself

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I’ve decided to get drunk and watch Fifty Shades of I Obviously Fucking Hate Myself.  Being drunk is necessary for this because I don’t think I could handle it sober.  I’ve assembled a Sexually Frustrated Spinster Kit that includes: Cheap Booze (Bud Light Mixx Tail Hurricane and homemade wine slushies), frozen Boston Market Dinner, and doughnuts so I can eat my feelings later.  All I’m missing is several cats, but I’m sure in this instance we can just substitute with a large and neurotic dog.  Ina Garten assures me that if I can’t go milk the tears of angels themselves, store bought will do. I present to you now… All the thoughts in my head while becoming increasingly inebriated while watching Fifty Shades of Grey. I’ve cracked open a Mixx Tail and I don’t know why, but I’m disappointed that it’s so so much worse than I anticipated.I feel like I probably should have just bought some Southern Comfort and made them myself.But I felt that good booze would have been wasted on this.That’s why…