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50 More Shades of Why Do I Keep Doing This to Myself

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Obviously I hate myself. I keep doing this. I keep watching this shit. Why? And you’re going to want to watch this movie as you’re reading this or else it’s not going to make a ton of sense. But borrow someone else’s copy so you don’t spend money on this because they deserve none of your dollars.
If I’m being perfectly honest it’s probably just for attention. I don’t go in for selfies so I just push my wits on people like a shameless humor hussy. A humsy? No. That sounds like a blow job being given by someone that seems wholesome and wears sweater sets and is really only doing this so her husband would agree to the family portrait with the CockaPoos where everyone is wearing the same sweater and she wanted him to look less like he was going to become a statistic on murder suicides and more like he doesn’t hate his entire existence.
            Jesus fuck nuts. Welcome to my 14th Annual Nervous Breakdown. I’m blaming Dakota Fanning. She isn’t even in this shit. It’s Dakota Jo…

Keto AF or That Time I Went on a Sadness Diet

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I never realized how much I loved potatoes until I made a decision to just not eat carbs until I depressed myself into being thin. That's what Keto is about, right? You know what's super fun about this diet? Everyone is all YAAAASSSS, GIRL! ALMOOOONDS!!! And I'm just over here trying not to die because I'm allergic to almonds. And I love them. They just don't love me back. Kind of like that one guy. Dick bag. Still, giving up potatoes and toast is more painful than trying to overcome an unrequited love. I feel like there's a Taylor Swift song in here somewhere. Bitches can't even effectively eat their feelings now because all of my feelings live in carbohydrates.

I slowly eased myself off of those happy little endorphin producing shits and now I'm eating somewhere between 15-30 grams a day and I'm fucking over it. I almost had a nervous breakdown in a dollar store the other day reading the nutritional values on candy bars. Someone sneezed and I yell…

My Drunk Review of... Fifty Shades of Why Do I Keep Doing This to Myself

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I’ve decided to get drunk and watch Fifty Shades of I Obviously Fucking Hate Myself.  Being drunk is necessary for this because I don’t think I could handle it sober.  I’ve assembled a Sexually Frustrated Spinster Kit that includes: Cheap Booze (Bud Light Mixx Tail Hurricane and homemade wine slushies), frozen Boston Market Dinner, and doughnuts so I can eat my feelings later.  All I’m missing is several cats, but I’m sure in this instance we can just substitute with a large and neurotic dog.  Ina Garten assures me that if I can’t go milk the tears of angels themselves, store bought will do. I present to you now… All the thoughts in my head while becoming increasingly inebriated while watching Fifty Shades of Grey. I’ve cracked open a Mixx Tail and I don’t know why, but I’m disappointed that it’s so so much worse than I anticipated.I feel like I probably should have just bought some Southern Comfort and made them myself.But I felt that good booze would have been wasted on this.That’s why…