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Keto AF or That Time I Went on a Sadness Diet

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I never realized how much I loved potatoes until I made a decision to just not eat carbs until I depressed myself into being thin. That's what Keto is about, right? You know what's super fun about this diet? Everyone is all YAAAASSSS, GIRL! ALMOOOONDS!!! And I'm just over here trying not to die because I'm allergic to almonds. And I love them. They just don't love me back. Kind of like that one guy. Dick bag. Still, giving up potatoes and toast is more painful than trying to overcome an unrequited love. I feel like there's a Taylor Swift song in here somewhere. Bitches can't even effectively eat their feelings now because all of my feelings live in carbohydrates.

I slowly eased myself off of those happy little endorphin producing shits and now I'm eating somewhere between 15-30 grams a day and I'm fucking over it. I almost had a nervous breakdown in a dollar store the other day reading the nutritional values on candy bars. Someone sneezed and I yell…

My Drunk Review of... Fifty Shades of Why Do I Keep Doing This to Myself

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I’ve decided to get drunk and watch Fifty Shades of I Obviously Fucking Hate Myself.  Being drunk is necessary for this because I don’t think I could handle it sober.  I’ve assembled a Sexually Frustrated Spinster Kit that includes: Cheap Booze (Bud Light Mixx Tail Hurricane and homemade wine slushies), frozen Boston Market Dinner, and doughnuts so I can eat my feelings later.  All I’m missing is several cats, but I’m sure in this instance we can just substitute with a large and neurotic dog.  Ina Garten assures me that if I can’t go milk the tears of angels themselves, store bought will do. I present to you now… All the thoughts in my head while becoming increasingly inebriated while watching Fifty Shades of Grey. I’ve cracked open a Mixx Tail and I don’t know why, but I’m disappointed that it’s so so much worse than I anticipated.I feel like I probably should have just bought some Southern Comfort and made them myself.But I felt that good booze would have been wasted on this.That’s why…

Brittany Maynard

For the past month or so I've become slightly more optimistic and religious than usual.  What spurred this on?  The announcement that 29 year-old Brittany Maynard had made the decision to end her life with dignity rather than giving in to the unforgiving decline that accompanies the terminal diagnosis of a Glioblastoma.  I applauded her bravery in making this decision.  Not just because it was so final, but because of the extreme opposition she was met with from strangers.

The last article that was published in People announced that she wasn't firm in this decision.  If November 1 came and she was healthy and feeling fine, perhaps she'd reschedule it and look at her options then.  If November 1 brought with it pain and suffering and seizures, well, she had her answer.  A man with the same diagnosis came forward with an open letter to Brittany about how he'd turned his back on preferred treatment methods and had incorporated a more holistic approach.  He had outlived hi…

In Which I Unofficially Run for a Seat in the North Carolina Senate. Seriously.

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I’ve been giving this issue a lot of thought, about five minutes worth (I think fast), and I’ve decided to unofficially run for Senate.  You see, the two options looming before us are both terrible.  They can’t even debate each other with any skill or credibility.  There were no empty political promises or in-depth discussions of the issues our state is facing.  It was pointing fingers and deflecting blame.
“She said she’d do X but then did Y.”
“I’d like to speak on that.  HE said he’d vote on Y but didn’t.”
This entire thing is a farcical exercise in futility.  There will be no winner here if either of them wins and they have no competition.  They treat everything important and financially vital to this state as a joke.  So, I’ve decided to give them a joke.
I, Heather Ray, am unofficially declaring my bid for office.
That’s right, y’all.
I know next to nothing about the internal workings of government.  I try to ignore politics as much as possible.  I have no shits to give about u…

Ray, Heather N. vs. Wal-Mart, Inc. Part Four

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These e-mail exchanges take place between August and October.  A few days ago I get another email.  This time from her paralegal.  This woman is extremely polite and well written.  She’s my dream, y’all.  Or was.
 Good Morning Heather, I hope you are doing well today.
We received the attached Mediator Order from the North Carolina Industrial Commission. Once a Form 33 is filed, the parties must participate in a mediation conference.  If the case does not settle at the mediation, then it will be placed on the hearing docket to be heard before a Deputy Commissioner.
We can hold the mediation conference in our office (we are located in the Rich As Fuck area of Charlotte, NC).  Please let me know if you will consent to this, and I will get started setting this up.
Thank you!
Paralegal
I can work with this.  I can really work with this.  Except for the home field advantage.
Is there another place that would work for you?  My work schedule and location doesn't leave a lot of room.
Hi Heather,…

Ray, Heather N. vs. Wal-Mart, Inc. Part Three

Picking up where we left off.  I shot out another email to the lawyer.

I'm assuming by 'settlement agreement' that you are referring to the 'clincher'?  If so, or if the settlement reads anything like the 'clincher' did, I am not at all interested in signing it.  I will be blunt with you, one of my major concerns during this ordeal, that has lead to me not signing anything, is the carelessness with which documents and correspondence have been drafted.  Other than a strain on my time, the idea of a full evidentiary hearing doesn't bother me.  It won't have any kind of negative impact on my end of things.  However, the errors in grammar and spelling have worried me a great deal.  I will not sign any legal document that has errors.  Even after I corrected the repeated misspelling of Dr. I’m Tired of This Shit's name, you continued to misspell it.  I can only make assumptions as to why.  I have to leave for work now, but I will try to respond to any…