Posts

Showing posts from 2009

Sarcastic Woman Seeking Someone to Laugh at When They Fall Down

I’m going to be completely honest here, as the truth will surface eventually, or on the first date if you supply me with enough alcohol (When I drink, I tend to tell stories that are hilarious to me, but may make others that don’t know me so well feel a little awkward).

I’m 23 years old. I’m unemployed. I moved back in with my parents over a year ago and the prospect of me moving back out is a dim glimmer on the horizon of my rent-free life. I live at home with my disabled mother, idiotic and often ill-tempered step-father, and a fickle beast of a cat.

I am going to school for something I only have a vague interest in so that I can graduate in two years and start making decent money right off the bat… I honestly have very little interest in giving pregnant women ultrasounds, especially when many of them are done internally and resemble acts of lesbian love.

I am not skinny. Given today’s standards, I am what you would call “average”. Were I to grow another six inches, I would be what …

You've Lost That Loving Feeling...

Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock.



What the FUCK is that NOISE?!?


Oh wait, that’s right. That’s just my BIOLOGICAL CLOCK TICKING! (Side note: why does no one ever say its tocking?)


But seriously. How can this be happening? I’m only TWENTY THREE!!!!


There are a multitude of reasons why this shouldn’t be happening to me right now. I’m not even going to try to list them all at this point except the most obvious, which is… I’m poor. No, seriously. I really am. I’m still like a small child… that smokes, drinks, and cusses like a sailor, but the point is… As mature as I am, I am still WAY too immature to procreate right now. I can’t even afford myself the majority of the time, so what the hell would I do with an extra human lying around?


Unlike me, the baby could not subsist on cigarettes, Coke, and Velveeta shells and cheese for long periods of time.


They need new clothes every five and half minutes because they either A.) Soil themselves in some fashion or B.) Have grown a foot since you (t…

Adventures in Retail Hell Pt.1

Image
Now, don’t get me wrong, I had many fun and memorable moments at the place I used to work; a place which may or may not sell various tractor components as well as a wide array of interesting things for those who partake in the rural lifestyle.

Just today, I threw a book at an elderly gentleman as he was exiting the store, which had closed an hour before due to it being New Year’s Eve. I would not have thrown my delightful non-fiction comedy at this man if he hadn’t moved with the mental speed of a stoned turtle. The doors were closed… and turned off… but not locked.

Ok, question time here folks, if you walk up to a retail store and the AUTOMATIC doors don’t open, what would you do?
I, personally, would walk away, but does anyone here do that? NO! They pull the doors open and walk in.
“Sir!”, “We’re closed!” I say.

Elderly gentleman followed by wife proceeds into the checkout area.
Wife, “Oh, you’re closed?” No shit Sherlock!

“Yes ma’am, we’re closed, we closed at four today.”

They …

Come Undone

Come Undone by Jackson Waters

There are ways that I've been fallin'


There are times that I've been so weak

There are moments, I hear redemption call them

But I'm too far down to speak



So come sweet fire of mercy, cover up my skin

Warm me like the sun, won't you let me in



To come, come undone

To come, come undone



There are scars that I've been hiding

There are ghosts that I do not name

There are closets i do not care to open

But they open all the same



So come sweet fire of mercy, cover up my skin

Warm me like the sun, won't you let me in



To come, come undone

To come, come undone

Cracks on the surface and the foundation is crumbling

Image
I have these lines on my hands; tons and tons of little lines all over my palms. I like to think that they’re “experience”. Sometimes, like today, I think they’re cracks. You can’t see them unless I show them to you; unless you’re looking for them. You can’t see them if you don’t get close enough. But they’re there.

I have all of these scars on my arms. Only one or two that were put there intentionally. They were put there by animals, mostly. The things I loved unconditionally that hurt me; left their mark on me. A few came from things I was careless with.

I was thinking about these things because I was staring at my hands today, wondering what they were capable of. What could these two hands do? They’ve made art, they’ve made music, they’ve made love, and they’ve caused pain… but could they really hurt something? Could they take a life? Could they destroy a life? Could they be used to cause irrevocable damage to a person or their mind?

I’m not sure.

I am sure that I have wanted th…

Heather Heartless (From 3/6/07)

Image
*The photo in reference is the photo currently sitting just to the left, my default picture.*



Hi folks. I had one of my lovely readers post a comment in regards to my not so photogenic qualities. I decided against approving it, and went for a more courageous approach. I made it into a blog.

I think that me and good ‘ole Howard could become fast friends. I think I might already be half in love with him, and half out as well, let’s see which side gains over time, shall we?

I had contemplated not posting this at all, as I have a team of vicious midgets, other wise known as my bestests, who may very well launch a search party and maim or possibly kill poor Howard. But as I said, I kind of love him right now. You can make up your own minds about Mr. Heretic though.

Here’s your 15 of fame my love, enjoy it.

And oh yes… spell check. It is your best friend.

Heather Heartless

Oh what a joy your cynical take on life appears.
I(you?) was hilarious … well soughtr (sort) of. Male readers (the straight one…

Consternation (From 1/22/07)

Image
Consternation.

Dictionary.com defines that as “A state of paralyzing dismay”.

So, I will today write about things that consternate me, perhaps even discombobulate me as well.

First things first, it being Super Bowl time, I’ve been paying careful attention to all commercials.

Tampons.

I know that this joke is an old one, but I still feel it’s a problem that needs to be addressed.

The tampons of old would apparently enable you to ride horses, participate in complicated water sports, and various other activities.

But today’s tampons are super cool.

With these I could be the next Mary Lou Retton. Or Mia Hamm. Maybe even Anna Kournikova.

All because I use the new Sport Tampon.

Uh huh.

Who would have thought that what amounts to a cotton ball on a string could bring you such joy?

And has anyone noticed that they all end with an X? Kotex… Playtex…Tampax? (With the exception of O.B. because frankly, that’s not really a tampon… it’s an ear plug). Is there some special ingredient or formula t…

I'm Stoopid (From 1/15/07)

Image
Yes.

Yes I am.

But maybe, just maybe, I’m not the only one who has made this mistake.

You see… I more or less work a third shift job. I get up around 2:30 am and head on out delivering papers, working the production plant, clearing drops, running shortages, all manner of things really. So I usually go to bed pretty early.

I fell asleep around 3pm yesterday, book in hand, Napoleon Dynamite on the tube. I did not mean to do this. I meant to force myself to stay awake until at least 6 before dropping off.

Well, now that we mention the hour of six, it brings us to the stupid part of my story.

When I woke up it was SIX O’CLOCK! I had to be at work at 4:30!!! I started freaking out, I was still wearing the clothes from the day before so I just rolled out of bed, put my shoes on and ran out of the apartment. Get outside and into the car and I start to think to myself… “You know… there are an awful lot of people out here this early in the morning…”

And then it hit me… but not before I cal…

Now for something completely different... From 01-09-07

Image
I'm going to rant about something!

*Gasps*

Never before seen in this blog... Heather will rant.

Ok... I thought I would have this whole anonymous blogger thing going on. My secret identity has been revealed. Now I might have to actually show my face on here... and, I'm just not sure that the world could handle this.

Not that the face itself is overly horrible... the pictures of said face are.

I just do NOT get that! I could look like Miss Freakin' Universe before... and as soon as that shutter snaps... I'm the bag lady on the corner, only homelier.

Parking Tickets.

Come on Parking Meter Reader Bill... That's right, I KNOW YOUR NAME!

Seriously...If I didn't have the quarter to put in the machine, what makes you think I'll have the... I think its now $70 to pay the tickets?

They should leave little letters that say "I'm sorry that you are so poor you can't afford to put a quarter in the meter, here's a blank check, take whatever you need from the city…

Viva Las Harper's Ferry

Image
I'm all shook up. Sorry, had to get one more Elvis thing in there.

I told you last blog about the broken footed journey to Baltimore. It is time to tell you the rest.

Dear old cousin Keith was getting married, technically in PA, but Baltimore is way better, and we spend more time there... moving on.

Our Dad took his bike up there, and left us the Expedition. Well, being the graceful and highly intelligent person that she is, Celia decided that it would be a truly excellent idea to fall down the stairs the night before we left.

She sprained her ankle and broke the outside of her foot. But, since I was just getting onto 485 from the other side of Charlotte when I got her panicked phone call, I had to make her wait.

I get there, and now The Boy Child, her son, is following her around, doing this really great limping hopping imitation of her, I love this child. We say our goodbyes and I drive her down the mountain to the hospital, really cute doctors by the way. We do the x-ray thi…

You are not excused

Image
Ok.

I’ve mentioned my sister.

And I’ve mentioned her penchant for shrieking, I mean laughing.

Now she’s taken it to an all new level.

I am not easily embarrassed, but I almost crawled under a table today. It was just that bad. I slobbered, I spit out spaghetti. It was horrible. *sniffs* I don’t like to talk about it. But I will. For you I will. *gets song stuck in head*

Ok, there is a background story, which I will share with you now, it doesn’t play a huge part in this drama, but it does play an important one.

A year or so ago, my sister and I trekked off to Baltimore for our cousin’s wedding. Her broke foot and all… and my, oh my Celia… I think I just found something else to blog about. Pay back. This time…. It’s for real.

Back to the point.

We had just returned to her apartment after this fun filled trip to find her friend had cooked food. It was cold. But oh well. After dragging up our sixty two bags of Tasty Cakes and Utz potato chips, we settled in to eat our meal. Fr…

The Joys of Smoking

Image
A Disclaimer from Random:

Smoking is bad... don't do it. This blog in no way condones the use of tobacco products.

Ok, now that we've got that out of the way.

Smoking.... smoking is great.

I love it.

A cigarette is the perfect mate.

They don't talk to you, which in most cases, means no arguing with your cigarettes.

They hardly ever make you mad.

It's the best way to follow up a meal, because hey... you don't get calories from smoking, but you would from that piece of pie.

They're also widely known as a good follow up to... ah hmm... some extra curricular activities.

They are my saving grace.

Without my Marlboro Lights in a box, I would forever be lost... or imprisoned. They are such great tools for anger management.

I will now tell you a story. Because I never do that.

It all began many moons ago, when a young child watched her parents smoke their lives away. The child did not like this. The child protested and learned about the dangers, and preached to no avail. They would…

Sisterly Love. From 11/13/06.

Image
Ok.... so... We've all heard of brotherly love. It’s a strong thing.

But I'm here to tell you about a little thing called Sisterly Love.

It's a completely different animal folks.

It all started out in... 1985. My sister found out she would be having a little person to play with, and this made her happy.

The "thing", which is me, was born in 1986... and it all went down hill...

She stopped liking me when she found out that they weren't just gonna leave me sitting in a corner somewhere, and that I had to have attention too. Not cool to her.

So what does she do? She tries to throw me away. Uh huh... that’s right... tries to throw little infant me away while no one's looking. But I guess she felt bad, and I was saved from the trash can. And then the unthinkable happened...

She tried to hold me one day, without permission or supervision and got busted... They took her Punky Brewster away. That did it. We were enemies from then on.

As I grew up, I guess the instinct fo…

Why Leonard Nimoy should be shot. From 11/09/06

Image
It all started yesterday... Someone called the radio station and said something about Bilbo Baggins... it went over my head. They played like 5 seconds of this song, and I was thinking.... oook lay off the J.R.R Tolkien folks. I probably spelled his name wrong, and that's ok by me. I do not like the fellow, even though he's long gone. I will explain.

When I was a senior in high school, I had this teacher. Mrs.... ummm.... crap. . I can't remember her name, which is sad, because, aside from this one thing, I loved her. I'll remember in a minute.

She was OBSESSED with Lord of the Rings. I never really had an interest in hobbits, hairy feet just don't turn me on, sorry. She had read all of the books, even that one that starts with an S... I can't think of it, but it sounds similar to Silly Moron, so that’s what it will be for now. She read the essays, had all the movies.... She even came to school dressed like the characters!

Mrs. GRAHAM! There we go... she won't…