The Joys of Smoking

audrey hepburn Pictures, Images and Photos

A Disclaimer from Random:

Smoking is bad... don't do it. This blog in no way condones the use of tobacco products.

Ok, now that we've got that out of the way.

Smoking.... smoking is great.

I love it.

A cigarette is the perfect mate.

They don't talk to you, which in most cases, means no arguing with your cigarettes.

They hardly ever make you mad.

It's the best way to follow up a meal, because hey... you don't get calories from smoking, but you would from that piece of pie.

They're also widely known as a good follow up to... ah hmm... some extra curricular activities.

They are my saving grace.

Without my Marlboro Lights in a box, I would forever be lost... or imprisoned. They are such great tools for anger management.

I will now tell you a story. Because I never do that.

It all began many moons ago, when a young child watched her parents smoke their lives away. The child did not like this. The child protested and learned about the dangers, and preached to no avail. They would not listen.

Ok, I'm tired of that way of story telling, I'm switching to first person.

I was the most anti-smoking person on the planet for years. But at the same time, I read a lot. I stumbled across some mysteries and what not, and always, in the ones set in the 50's... the detective guy was just SOO cool, ya know? Him in his fedora with a crumpled up pack of lucky strikes in his shirt pocket, cigarette hanging from his lips, that cocky devil may care look on his face... I mean he was COOL. And I wanted to be one. So yeah... To this day I have not found a pack of lucky strikes, but I'm sure once I get serious with the book writing, they will become essential tools. I MUST have the crumpled up pack of Lucky Strikes *preferably with a filter please* laying on my desk, and the glass of whiskey. The alter-ego that is my writer is very Hemingway, minus the shotgun, no thank you.

Ok, back to the point. That's what semi-started my love affair with cigarettes.

And yet I still preached to my Mom and step-dad, and my Dad when I was around him *don't get that "Aw, poor kid" thing going on, many moons ago, bothers me not.* my mom still smokes. My Dad quit when he had some form of intestinal surgery *THIS is the legacy they leave for me... years of intestinal discomfort lie ahead* My step-dad smoked while having a heart attack... he started after his transplant.... THESE are my role models!

Ok, so I'm 15 years old, my two best friends smoke, so I will sometimes take a drag... and that's it, no inhaling for me thank you very much... I didn't know how. They have since passed, God bless them, and I started hanging out with Leslie... we are mutual bad influences upon one another. She smoked... I smoked... we all smoked. BUT! I never really smoked until Step dad had his heart attack. I have a theory, and I really can blame it solely on my parents. I have had a constant stream of nicotine since the womb! They smoked indoors, outdoors, every where. But once SD had the 'tack... no more smoke for Heather. Very stressful times, no more nicotine... and voila! I started smoking. I had been JONESIN' for it man. Like Ray Charles and the shakes... almost that bad. My source was cut off; I had to replace it, right? Except for the first month or two... I didn't exactly inhale it... It was more... swallowing... So every time I would eat my smoke, I would burp up smoke... which, provides many moments of entertainment... but tastes horrible. Bleh. I finally learned, and oh what a proud day that was.

I have been hooked ever since.

I typed in a search... kind of on accident, I was looking up a book called "Why Girls Are Weird" Fantabulous book... especially the part about the Fetish Barbies... moving on... and what popped up was "Why quit smoking?" Which I thought would provide at least ONE funny thing. Well... they were funny to me at least.

"My 27 year battle with nicotine addiction..." Oh... my ...God... please. It's not like its crack, come on. You BATTLE cancer, disease, crack/heroine/meth addictions, alcoholism... but nicotine? Please. It is NOT hard to quit. I've done it several times.

I will however tell you of the "real" dangers of smoking. The things no one else tells you. I know there is cancer, various forms of it, and it's sad. But... now people know, and they continue to smoke, and I tell ya... when I have to have some vital part cut out, or have chemo... or am dying because of my choice to smoke... I'm not going to sue... no one FORCED me to do it.... I'll sue my parents....


1. "The smoke gets in your EYESSSS!!!" It burns! It burns so bad!! There is nothing quite like the feeling of being stabbed in the eye with smoke. Especially while driving. Makes it fun for everyone around you too.

2. The "cherry": Better known as the lit end of a cigarette. The cherry is not permanently attached, and will fall off with the least provocation. Such as... slamming on the brakes, having to concentrate on the road, sneezing, and otherwise having the cigarette positioned over a more sensitive area of your body. It has caused many people to wreck, because... hey look it’s on the window sill... please don't fall in my lap... please don't AAAAAH IT'S IN MY LAP!! Slapping of crotch area begins, steering wheels are turned loose... chaos ensues.

Which brings me to:

3. Dropping the WHOLE cigarette in your lap. Sitting still or driving... doesn't matter. Same crotch slapping... but now... you use your legs to raise you up off of the seat to keep from burning your butt... you either hit the gas really, really hard... or the brake... either way it sucks... and you're now driving down the road with your butt way up in the air... you could be steering with your crotch if you were so inclined... smacking your seat and waving your hand underneath your hind parts... which I assume is quite amusing to others. But... you're never sure if the cherry is extinguished so... instead of pulling over... you continue to drive however far you have to in the same upraised butt position for fear of settling your poor unsuspecting tender rear in the fire.

4. Alcohol and cigarettes.... are great together... for a bit. When inebriation starts to settle in over you... hide the cigs. One minute... you're sitting on the floor giggling madly, smoking your cigarette... next thing you know... you're trying to pull the cigarette from between your smiling lips, your fingers go... but the dip stick doesn't... you however do not notice this, until you think "hey my fingers kind of hurt... oh wait, that’s just the cigarette searing the flesh off of them!" so you throw it down... onto the carpet... to inspect your now third degree burned fingers... until you realize you've set the carpet on fire... so you smack that out... pick the cigarette back up, finish smoking it, then go do first aid.

5. Sometimes the lingering cigarette works in a different way. Oh... the cigarette goes… but it has firmly attached itself to your more tender than your butt, lips... So when you give a quick tug out... half of your lips go with it. Oh my jeez that hurts like a mofo.
I'm sure there are more, and feel free to submit your horror stories to me as well. I'm always in need of a laugh at someone else's expense.

But...the joys of smoking are abundant, and obviously outweigh the cons.

1. Anger management/stress relief.
Ok... I know that when I get mad... my first urge is to strangle... but apparently that’s a felony in this state... so I smoke. And make the world a safer place. I want to scream... I smoke... I cry... I smoke. It’s my safety blanket..... And hey... want to set something on fire? The cigarette isn't going to mind, I promise... It is what it lives for.

2. Gives you something to do with your hands.
I swear to God that’s the main reason I smoke. I don't know what I would do with out a cigarette in my hand while I'm driving. Probably much less constructive hand gestures that will eventually end up with me being shot, but that's just me. And... you just have to fiddle with something. I'm more addicted to that than the rest.

3. Ice breaker. Everyone asks for a cigarette... or you can ask anyone for a cigarette....

4. I really don't have anything else. I don't find the habit particularly sexy, but if done right, it can be classy. Like Audrey Hepburn in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" *love love love that movie*

5. You could use one of those nifty cigarette holder thingies like she does... its just... elegant.

6. Night clubs = free cigarettes *thanks Camel* = coupons, money clips, matches, cigarette cases... etc.

7. You have something in common with me!

So, this concludes my 3 year long blog.


4/16/09 Update: My Mother has since quit smoking and is sadly on oxygen full time for who knows how long. She's only 47. Did I quit smoking? Nope. I figure I’ve got 25 years before I catch up to her, if not… I’ll get my own Truth commercial.


Christa said…
no you didn't you threaten her with blowing her oxygen tank up...way to go...way to go
The Randomist said…
Just that one time. She was being sassy. Oh wow, role reversal is hilarious and scary all at the same time.

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