Eat Pray Love Makes Me Want to Kill Myself

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New director's cut of Eat Pray Love
comes with a complementary

I’m a little late in coming to the review game on this one, but I couldn’t hold it inside any longer.

I’ve never hidden my feelings towards to movie “Eat Pray Love”. I’ve also never truly expressed my feelings about it in such a public arena… until last night, when my rage was renewed.

The following took place on Facebook.

HCW: I never get tired of watching Eat Pray Love. :)

Heather Ray: Really? That movie made me hate Julia Roberts... and I kind of wanted to kill myself five minutes into it. I seriously would have cheered if she'd been hit by a bus at the end.

HCW: Hahaha I thought it was a very calming a "im feeling depressed so I'm gonna watch eat pray love and eat an entire carton of ice cream" movie.

Heather Ray: I can’t stand her character. Somewhere towards the end of Eat and the middle of Pray, I warmed up to her a bit, as in I didn’t want to stab her in the face quite as much as I did before, but as soon as Javier Bardem came into it, I was really hoping she’d die painfully. It was the worst two hours of my life but I kept watching it thinking that it couldn’t possibly get any worse, but it did. Julia Roberts has been ruined for me forever now. I don’t even know if I can watch My Best Friend’s Wedding without thinking YOU TOTALLY DESERVE TO BE HEARTBROKEN, HAG!

HTC: Bahahahaha.

Somewhere in the middle of that I decided to Google “Eat Pray Love makes me want to kill myself” and it lead me to one of the best reviews of that piece of contrived bullshit I’ve ever read. First off, anything called Jump Up My Ass, Lady is a winner in my book. Secondly, it’s exactly how I feel about it, but with less expletives and violence.  Thirdly, I should have known that this movie was going to be a God damned nightmare when it couldn't even be bothered with basic punctuation.

I would seriously rather systematically gnaw all of the flesh from my body than have to watch this again. I felt dead inside when it was over. I wanted to sue Red Box for that $1.08 back. I wanted to sue Julia Roberts for killing every one of my dreams. Within five minutes of the movie, I hated the lead character. I had been prepared to like her since her name was Elizabeth Gilbert which reminded me of Melissa Gilbert which reminds me of Little House on the Prairie. Surely if my Kevin Bacon Brain Syndrome connected her to that cherished childhood television show, she had to be something special.

She wasn’t.

As I told HTC, I did at some point start to warm up to her a bit, but I was still holding the razor blade over my veins. I was totally going up the road with that shit too. There would be no crossing the street for attention here. I meant business.

I'm actively trying to keep any traumatic memories from that movie from popping into my head.  I spent the last 140 minutes of the movie like this...

Praying to God that it would end quickly.

I wanted badly for my mother to hold me and tell me it was going to be alright, but she was doing the same thing.  It was like watching a fucking train wreck, y'all.  I could not look away.  I don't even think I got up to pee.  The urge to take it out of the DVD player and burn it was overwhelming, but I had to keep watching it because there was no way in hell that the entire movie could be that horrible.  Something had to give and it had to get better.  It couldn't be any worse than the beginning.

I was wrong.  So, so totally wrong.

It did get worse.  I was actively rooting for her to get some kind of disfiguring, bank account draining, incurable disease with a 0% chance of survival.  Ebola would have been nice.  Where was a carrier monkey when you needed one?

I wanted to stab myself in the fucking eyeball with a pair of scissors.

I wanted to jump into Flatliners, hand Keifer Sutherland a copy of the movie and beg him not to bring her back.  Just let her go, man, and save us all the trouble.  And also that even in 1990, they all looked too old to convincingly pull off medical students, especially Oliver Platt, who still looks exactly the same.

All of her dreams have been crushed.
But most of all, I wanted to go back in time and apologize to this little girl for growing up to be an idiot and also for ruining her life with that movie. 

I've honestly spent a more pleasurable two hours throwing up violently from drinking a half gallon of vodka after selling my plasma.  It made me yearn for the time when that thing on my ovary went all 'splodey and I wanted to die or possibly for all of the times my dad recounted his sexual exploits to me.

In summation, if I ever have the displeasure of meeting this self-indulgent, egomaniacal, bitch pigeon of a twat waffle, I'm probably going to kick her in the vagina.

P.S. Bitch Pigeon = Someone that comes out of nowhere and shits all over your life, metaphorically.

P.P.S. Blog - Eat Pray Love - Julia Roberts - Flatliners - Kevin Bacon.  BAM!


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