Monday, May 23, 2011

Three Inanimate Objects That Scare the Living Hell Out of Me

I have a lot of fears that other people don't.  I'll blame most of them on Stephen King.  Trust me when I say that this is just the short list of weird and probably unfounded phobias.

Take storm drains for instance.  What is there to fear about a seemingly innocuous hole in the ground?  I'll tell you.

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You'll just be sailing your awesome paper boat down the flood water when this fucker pops up.

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"Hiya, Georgie.  Aren't ya gonna say "Hello"?

Just count that boat as a loss, man, 'cause he's going to eat you.

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I told you.  "It" didn't make me fear clowns, but it did make me afraid of storm drains because that's where they live.

Banana Boats

Again, seemingly innocuous, but they aren't.  I will NEVER ride one of these.  Ever.  I like watercraft, but I hate banana boats.  You'll just be riding along on your yellow phallus, not a care in the world....

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Hey, we're just chillin'.

You're just chillin', having a good time, looking at the camera and the next thing you know...

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Dammit, Bruce!  Not again!

Something is going to fucking eat you.

Closed Shower Curtains

You THINK you see where this one is going, but trust me, you don't.

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My opaqueness gives you a false sense of security.

You have to pee and you walk in to find a closed shower curtain.  What's behind that shower curtain, you might ask.  Mildew?  Rust?  Hardwater buildup?  Awkward feminine hygiene products?  Nope.  This is.

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I believe in miracles.  Where ya from?  You sexy thang.

Trust me, you never trust hot naked chicks that show up in your bathtub out of nowhere.

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Why?  Because they're going to fucking eat you.

I'm starting to see a trend here.  All of my weird phobias involve something eating me.  I should probably talk to my shrink about that one.

Things That Irritate the Shit Out of Me

The title doesn’t really leave much room for a preamble, so let’s get this party started.

Rachael Ray.

She makes me ashamed of my last name.
People who talk like Rachael Ray. I will break that fucking bottle of yummo delish EVOO all over your head, asshole. The point of an acronym in to make a short word out of a series of longer words, not to spell out the acronym. Eeevooo. Say it with me. We don’t call it N-A-S-A or S-C-U-B-A, do we?

Microsoft Word Spell Check. Only one of those sentences up there is a fragment. Also, I’m sorry that you recognize Ebonics as our official language and not English, but you’re not correct.

The fact that I can’t eat generic “fudge pops” without getting a ring of chocolate all the way around my mouth, which is exactly what I’m doing right now while trying to type this with one hand.

The fact that I type faster with my left hand than my right.

The fact that fudge pops look like shit on a stick and still manage to be appetizing.

Having to wipe chocolate ice cream from right beneath my left eye. Seriously, that’s nowhere near my mouth, how did it get there?

Having to wipe pancake batter from between my toes when I make breakfast. Again, I’m not understanding this.

People that have graduated high school and/or college and still don’t have a grasp on the English language.

People that spell ‘you’ as ‘yhu’.

People that abbreviate words when talking and/or typing. Delish, deets, preesh, presh, and vacay, or for the extremely lazy, vaca. What the fuck is a vacka? Did you feel so heartsick over the loss of being able to writ3 lyk3 dis dat yhu had 2 mak3 up n3w w3rdz?

People who think they’re rappers and are also too lazy to spell out their words. It took me a solid five minutes of saying “toma” out loud before I figured out that you were trying to say ‘tomorrow’. Also, it doesn’t have an ‘a’ in it. Neither does ‘definitely’. I defiantly spell my words correctly.

Yankees who think we’re stupid because we use language in a different way. I’m fixin’ to make me a mater sammich and you can go over yonder to hell if you don’t like it. “Yonder ain’t in no fucking dictionary.” Yes, it is, and way to throw out a double negative in the middle of harping on our dialect. Don’t like it? Go the fuck home. We don’t like your kind around these here parts anyway.


I will crawl into your skin and eat your ass
from the inside out, bitches.
People who aren’t funny or talented but become famous anyway.

Bad grammar.


Double negatives.

People that ineffectually try to make me feel bad about myself so that they can feel better about their own shitty lives.

Broken records.

My Hanson and Lion King CDs not working.

Having to pee.

Having to hold gas because I’m so fucking polite.

People farting in front of me.


Ugly people with bad attitudes. God couldn’t have been so cruel as to make you ugly AND not give you a personality.

People that get mad at me because I don’t speak their language. Lo siento.

Guys who grow vaginas because their girlfriends put their balls in a box with her earrings.

Having to shave any part of my body.

Aaaand… I’m going to stop because just about everything annoys the shit out of me.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Because I'm so Badass and Efficient

I like awards.  I like the getting of them and I like the having of them.  I've never won a trophy in my life, but I'm sorely tempted to have one made for myself because I can.  That won't be happening anytime soon because I'm poor and have better things to do, like stealing awards I was never given from websites that offer them freely.  I honestly feel as though I deserve each and every one of the awards TheBloggess posted on her blog today.  Every.  One.  We'll start with inefficient efficiency.

I work in a photolab at my friendly neighborhood "store-mart" and I do the frowning intently at the computer screen thing to make myself appear busy when in reality, I'm really just looking for naked pictures at best and old men in speedos at worst and being pissed off that the raunchiest thing in our system is someone eating a penis cake with asymmetrical balls.  As long as I have the editing box up, I can totally say I'm just enhancing someone's shitty candids from their wedding because Joe Bob's got his hand down his pants and can't you please dear God just blend that into something else, maybe a fern or a nice potted plant.

Fuckin' a right, doggy.  I gladly accept this award because every time I see one of you do this, I want to punch you in the face so hard that you die.  Actually, I try to reserve that anger for your/you're and there/they're/their.  Which leads us to...

It's a daily battle, but I feel that I have the urges to kill mostly under control... usually.  I wouldn't feel this way if it wasn't for the fact that I'm the...

Seriously, they really are.  I know that your native language and the ability to make change correctly takes you to the breaking point on a daily basis, but honestly, if Darwin was right, these wouldn't be issues for you anymore.  Why?  Because you would have been killed in a terrible and completely avoidable accident involving an angry llama or perhaps a sleeping bear.

Just because Jonathan Taylor Thomas was able to lure a horde of angry bears back to sleep by singing softly and farting doesn't mean that you can too.  While we're on the topic of natural selection failing and supreme stupidity...

I don't care if you're 18 months old or not, it is no excuse for falling down a Goddamned well and becoming famous off of it.  Baby Jessica is the same age as I am and so far, I've avoid falling into gaping holes in the ground and I'm still not on the news for being smart enough to avoid this.  I'm smart enough to realize that it's probably not a good idea to keep walking where there isn't any fucking ground left and I'm not a household name... yet.

I totally deserved these awards.

Getting to Know Yoouuuuu

As our happy little home is slowly expanding and gaining some recognition, I thought I'd give you a peek behind the curtain to learn a little about me.  My original plan was to post the overdramatic and somewhat traumatizing "100 Things About Me", but I like having followers and that list inevitably leaves people with more questions than answers.

Questions of Great Importance that I stole from The Photognazi

1. Have you ever gone to see a movie by yourself?

2. Would you rather go through a tornado or a hurricane?

3. Have you made summer vacation plans?

4. What's your favorite accessory?

5. Have you ever been thrown a surprise party?

6. Are you friends with your neighbors?

7. What's the last movie you saw in the theater?

8 What's your favorite food network show?

The Answers, which I stole from no one.

1. I have gone to see a movie by myself to escape my sister's then mother-in-law and bratty neice who were hogging all of my time with TBC, who was only a few months old.  I believe it was "How to Deal" with Mandy Moore.  The title seemed fitting.

2.  I've been through tornadoes and hurricanes before.  I once encountered six tornadoes at the same time in Ohio when I was younger.  I had severe panic attacks for years every time it would storm and I still don't fully trust Ohio.  If we're talking Category 1 hurricanes, I'll take those, please.

3.  My summer vacation plans had initially included a week in Cabo, then it switched to a week in Nags Head, NC.  When I realized that I could never afford to take a week off of work for anything, including emergency surgery, those plans shifted to "Not Killing Anyone at Store-Mart".  I couldn't make it in prison where I know I'd have to trade sexual favors for cigarettes.

4.  My favorite accessory is my head.  I like taking it everywhere I go.  I don't really get into accessories because it requires thought and that's not an area I excel in.

5.  No surprise parties here.  I've been thrown a party that contained such lovely surprises as: A crackhead who shaved half of his head, cried when he bled, broke a door and knocked down the hostess, and then proceeded to run up and down the highway in hysterics, the host pulling a gun, and me crying.  I don't think I like surprises much anymore.

6.  Hmm... Which neighbors could I be friends with?  The cranky Yankee whose husband (before leaving) wanted to shoot the neighbor who shot his dog that ate the other neighbor's elderly cat and chickens?  The meth heads that have housed a child molestor on and off over the years?  The neighbors that did a husband swap across the street? The crazy woman that puts lipstick on the outside of her mouth?  Or the people that never bring our mail over when they get it and never wave?  I'm also pretty sure that I heard someone get shot last night, but that's not really a neighbor so much as someone that lives in the neighborhood.  Pod people can never be overrated.  I'd take a whole bushel of them right now.

7.  I'm going to have to go with Easy A on this one.  I don't watch many movies anymore and I resent having to pay so much to sit in a cold theater, not smoke, and then pee for twenty minutes when its over because I drank my body weight in $8.00 Coke.  I'll be leaving shortly to watch Bridesmaids though. 

8.  Not Rachel Ray.  She makes me ashamed of my last name.  I'm usually a fan of Paula Deen, but being Southern, I KNOW that none of us says "y'all" that damned much.  Seriously.  You're killing me, Smalls.  I also like Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives.  Most of the time Food Network is like Douche Network to me.  I love watching it, but someone will inevitably piss me off by throwing something disgusting into foods I love to eat.  They're classics for a reason, y'all.

If you want to attempt these hard hitting questions and possibly generate a little traffic to your personal piece of paradise, head over to Mannland5 and link yourself up.