Showing posts from May, 2011

Three Inanimate Objects That Scare the Living Hell Out of Me

I have a lot of fears that other people don't.  I'll blame most of them on Stephen King.  Trust me when I say that this is just the short list of weird and probably unfounded phobias.

Take storm drains for instance.  What is there to fear about a seemingly innocuous hole in the ground?  I'll tell you.

You'll just be sailing your awesome paper boat down the flood water when this fucker pops up.

Just count that boat as a loss, man, 'cause he's going to eat you.

I told you.  "It" didn't make me fear clowns, but it did make me afraid of storm drains because that's where they live.
Banana Boats
Again, seemingly innocuous, but they aren't.  I will NEVER ride one of these.  Ever.  I like watercraft, but I hate banana boats.  You'll just be riding along on your yellow phallus, not a care in the world....

You're just chillin', having a good time, looking at the camera and the next thing you know...

Something is going to fucking eat yo…

Things That Irritate the Shit Out of Me

The title doesn’t really leave much room for a preamble, so let’s get this party started.

Rachael Ray.

People who talk like Rachael Ray. I will break that fucking bottle of yummo delish EVOO all over your head, asshole. The point of an acronym in to make a short word out of a series of longer words, not to spell out the acronym. Eeevooo. Say it with me. We don’t call it N-A-S-A or S-C-U-B-A, do we?

Microsoft Word Spell Check. Only one of those sentences up there is a fragment. Also, I’m sorry that you recognize Ebonics as our official language and not English, but you’re not correct.

The fact that I can’t eat generic “fudge pops” without getting a ring of chocolate all the way around my mouth, which is exactly what I’m doing right now while trying to type this with one hand.

The fact that I type faster with my left hand than my right.

The fact that fudge pops look like shit on a stick and still manage to be appetizing.

Having to wipe chocolate ice cream from right beneath my left e…

Because I'm so Badass and Efficient

I like awards.  I like the getting of them and I like the having of them.  I've never won a trophy in my life, but I'm sorely tempted to have one made for myself because I can.  That won't be happening anytime soon because I'm poor and have better things to do, like stealing awards I was never given from websites that offer them freely.  I honestly feel as though I deserve each and every one of the awards TheBloggess posted on her blog today.  Every.  One.  We'll start with inefficient efficiency.

I work in a photolab at my friendly neighborhood "store-mart" and I do the frowning intently at the computer screen thing to make myself appear busy when in reality, I'm really just looking for naked pictures at best and old men in speedos at worst and being pissed off that the raunchiest thing in our system is someone eating a penis cake with asymmetrical balls.As long as I have the editing box up, I can totally say I'm just enhancing someone's shitt…

Getting to Know Yoouuuuu

As our happy little home is slowly expanding and gaining some recognition, I thought I'd give you a peek behind the curtain to learn a little about me.  My original plan was to post the overdramatic and somewhat traumatizing "100 Things About Me", but I like having followers and that list inevitably leaves people with more questions than answers.

Questions of Great Importance that I stole from The Photognazi

1. Have you ever gone to see a movie by yourself?

2. Would you rather go through a tornado or a hurricane?

3. Have you made summer vacation plans?

4. What's your favorite accessory?

5. Have you ever been thrown a surprise party?

6. Are you friends with your neighbors?

7. What's the last movie you saw in the theater?

8 What's your favorite food network show?

The Answers, which I stole from no one.

1. I have gone to see a movie by myself to escape my sister's then mother-in-law and bratty neice who were hogging all of my time with TBC, who was only a few months…

Someone Should Delete MS Paint from my Computer


My Vagina is Secretly a Sassy Black Woman

A moment ago I thought to myself, “If my ovaries had nuts, I’d kick them in them.” And then I realized that was too many thems. Also, that my ovaries kind of ARE my nuts.

And that I say also too much.

They’re not being terribly evil at the moment, but that “special time” isn’t so special. It’s irritating and it pisses me off. Like that saying goes, you shouldn’t trust anything that bleeds for seven days and doesn’t die. Therefore, I no longer trust my vagina.

I thought I would share a few of my thoughts on menstruation with you.

1.) I think it’s a horrible joke on me that my gynecologist is attractive.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a wonderful doctor, but I don’t think his hotness is a bonus for me. Initially, this had me wanting to clamp my legs shut and waddle out the door. Gynecologist visits are in direct violation of my “Never naked with the lights on” rule and having an attractive man see me naked under fluorescents was almost more than I could take. He makes delightfully dirty jokes…