Wednesday, January 23, 2013

So, This Happened Earlier...


This happens more than it should.  You start off asking a perfectly innocent question and then shit starts getting real in Oz.  I'm not sure if I'm pleased with the turn of events or ashamed of myself for having no control.



Hannah  ** also, if anyone has any tips on caring for 4wk old puppies that the mother stopped nursing but they weren't ready to stop...that would be greatly appreciated.

Heather Facebook ate my comment. I'll try this again.

***Related to post and not entertaining***
10 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

Heather You should feed them 3-4 times a day at regular intervals and aim for the same time every day. You can try to schedule when they dirty bomb your house with their unexpectedly rancid surprises.

If you know what they were feeding the mother, try to feed them the puppy version of it. Might help minimize the damage from the aforementioned biological warfare attacks since they've been mainlining it since the womb. Or just make them more likely to eat it because that's what their mom ate before she dropped them off at the library and took off to Tijuana with that sketchy Dalmatian, Tito, from two blocks over.

The milk isn't even necessary unless they just won't take the gruel at all or if you just feel better about using it at first. Just don't give them cow milk. It's about as nutritious to dogs as water and way too fatty. Sort of like liquid Twinkies. Don't let them eat their feelings. It feels good now, but it will feel a lot like shame later. Then they'll have to eat Shame, too. A deliciously vicious cycle.
9 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

Heather There is something deeply and irreversibly wrong with me...
9 hours ago via mobile · Like · 2

Zach  Ol Tijuana Tito lol.
9 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 1

Heather  If I could get a no chewing guarantee and knew that they had some sort of force field that would repel my sexually deviant and soon to be neutered lab mix, I would take one. I don't think my dog has left me enough sanity to go through the EAT ALL THE THINGS! stage again while constantly having to protect the virtue of everything, living or inanimate, that smells appealing to him. Mostly cats and small woodland creatures. If you throw in a bonus inability to use the bathroom inside, I will take them all and trade you a traumatized but really, friendly cat.
9 hours ago via mobile · Like · 2

Heather Tijuana Toto is bad news. Hide yo kids. Hide yo wife.
8 hours ago via mobile · Like · 4

Heather Not Toto. He's so bad that my autocorrect won't let me type his name right.
5 hours ago via mobile · Like

Zach They're brothers. Toto got hooked on the bad stuff while in the Land of Oz. Same stuff the Munchkins were on. When him and Dorothy came back to Kansas, he couldn't shake it. But Tito, I've heard, is much worse.
5 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 1

Heather I knew that Lollipop Guild was a front for micro organized crime!
5 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

Zach The Wicked Witch of the East was gonna rat them out. They through her under that house.
5 hours ago via mobile · Like

Zach Threw* my bad
5 hours ago via mobile · Like

Heather Their arrival from Kansas at that time was no coincidence. Stumpy Two Toes from the East Side Shorty Squad was sending a message. Y'all came to the wrong neighborhood, it said. He needed muscle and he needed someone to get his inhaler off of the top shelf, because, fuck you, Roland, that shit ain't funny. Given her instructions, enough hallucinogens to take down an elephant (just the really small ones they had at that roadside petting zoo right off of the Red Brick Road exit) and the threat of being sold into a life of slavery with the other Reachers, should she fail, Dorothy set off to give the Wizard a message he'd never forget.
 5 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

Zach Nobody likes Roland. I heard, from the Cowardly Lion, that he turned the sprinkler on the Tin Man while he was cutting wood. I wouldn't mess with him though, he'll take your knee caps out.
4 hours ago via mobile · Like

Heather  He was later involved in a terrible "accident" that confirmed the rumor that flying monkeys love midget meat.
4 hours ago via mobile · Like

Zach Yep, it was a sad story. VH1's doing a show on his life. From his childhood, to his drug abuse, to his "short" time in the adult film industry. Kind of a tell all. I hear his widow Bridget is went through a shallow depression during the filming.
4 hours ago via mobile · Like

Heather The part where his former adult film star Chuy Bravo, alleged lover of boss Chelsea Handler, gives his heartfelt eulogy brought tears to my eyes. It was tough to watch. Going from fluffer to fame to having to make a living from selling Trojan balloon animals on the streets is hard and leaves a man a little bitter. Falling short of his dreams sent him over the edge and straight into a life of crime. He merrily skipped over small crime and was reaching for the top. Sadly, it was just out of his grasp. Roland " Little Pun" Goldstein had many enemies, but those that knew him before he tried to climb that ladder to the top will miss him dearly. In lieu of flowers, Bridget is asking for donations for her leg extension surgery. She just wants to rise above it all and aim for something higher in life.
4 hours ago via mobile · Like

Zach  I gotta hand it to Bridget, she's a bigger person than most munchkins that have been in her shoes. What I couldn't understand is why producer Marv Levinsteen, who was friends with Roland, would just turn his back on him after his bout with ED. I mean sure he kinda ruined the film with "Tiny" Tina Levey, but to knock him all the way back down to low budget films with D list actors? That's just cold.
3 hours ago via mobile · Like

Heather  Even professionals need a little help from time to time. Medications have really stepped up their game. They could have cleared that hurdle together, but sometimes wounded pride is just too big to swallow. (That reminds me, Tina has left the business and started a non-profit to help uplift out of work actors when they're low.). 

I think I'm going to die of puns and go straight to hell where Tiny Tim will beat me with his crutch.
 3 hours ago via mobile · Like

Zach I guess it is kinda small of us to be making midget jokes. Oops lol
3 hours ago via mobile · Like

Heather  We should learn to be the bigger person and walk away.
3 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

Zach We should...but what's the fun in that? 
Didn't we start out talking about a puppy?
3 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

Heather  I think it was mentioned.
3 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

Zach  It was short lived.
3 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 2

Heather  Quickly overshadowed by our tall tale.
3 hours ago via mobile · Like · 2

Zach  Our short stories
3 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 2


So many puns.  So.  MANY.  

I felt bad about how offensive this was until I remembered my dad telling me that during the filming of the Wizard of Oz, filming had to be stopped or postponed because the munchkins were going behind props and having monkey sex.  So I googled.



And then I google imaged Tiny Tim.



I had to go looking for that specifically because what I found was a fucking nightmare.

The fuck is this shit?
Mother fucker has red eyes, baby teeth, and probably skitters.  With a crutch.  This is what I fully expect to be waiting for me in hell.  Except it gets worse...


Scrooge should have just let this one go...

I may never sleep again.  Tiny Tim and his ukulele playing ass. 

Don't google image this shit unless you set very specific parameters.  Ever. 

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