The Randomist

Do you want to know what I was doing while I wasn't blogging? I was creating a Zazzle store called Mo Waffles. Jenny Lawson is to blame for this. Why is it named Mo Waffles?  I have no fucking idea.  Just like I have no idea why I created anything that I did or why Zazzle lures you in with promises of setting your own royalty rate when if you set it to 80% your t-shirts are priced to sell at $53.74. This is a small sampling of the tasteless products I have to offer. Goof-Off can't fix this mistake by MoWaffles View other Tasteless T-Shirts The front says "J/K", you know, for potential un-rapist boyfriends. Dear Rapist by MoWaffles See other Random T-Shirts And because the movie Teeth freaked me out... Vagina Ventata by MoWaffles Become a clothing affiliate at zazzle.com Please don't hate me... ... and go buy things.

It is universally recognized that most places on this big green ball have four seasons. Winter – It’s cold. Spring – Shit grows. Summer – Shark Week. Fall – Shit dies. That being said, I would like to point out that the state of North Carolina actually has five seasons each year. Some of these seasons overlap for maximum discomfort and they’re known to us by slightly different names than the aforementioned. Season 1: Buy Milk and Bread Seriously, winters are coming , you better be prepared. If there is even a slight chance that a single snow flake could fall from the heavens, the grocery stores are going to be packed and then emptied of everything but candy wrappers and sadness. It is a state law that mandates that when there is a winter weather advisory, you must go buy all the milk and all the bread in all the lands. You could perish in the temperate winters of the South. We’ve seen Alive ; we know how this story ends. We’re prepared to eat our neighbors if we h...

The last few weeks of my life have been terrible and confusing and I had to take time off from blogging to have a small nervous breakdown. I also think that I broke my funny. Seriously. I hold my own well in conversation, but Jesus the shit splattered off the fan too fast for me to keep up with it. This is why I still think that I need a stenographer, you know, for those special moments. And because I’m too lazy to write any or all of it down before I forget it. For your sake, I will be breaking the chain of events down into small portions to make it easier to digest. Why I Tried to Make Auto Zone Employees Cry Holy fuck balls, y’all. Is there some kind of competency test they give their applicants and only the people who fail get to work there? The condenser fan motor on my car went out. This is the fan that cools the compressor so that you can have cold air coming out instead of blowing your shit up. I went to various used parts stores and junkyards trying to find one, ...

New director's cut of Eat Pray Love comes with a complementary noose. I’m a little late in coming to the review game on this one, but I couldn’t hold it inside any longer. I’ve never hidden my feelings towards to movie “Eat Pray Love”. I’ve also never truly expressed my feelings about it in such a public arena… until last night, when my rage was renewed. The following took place on Facebook. HCW: I never get tired of watching Eat Pray Love. :) Heather Ray: Really? That movie made me hate Julia Roberts... and I kind of wanted to kill myself five minutes into it. I seriously would have cheered if she'd been hit by a bus at the end. HCW: Hahaha I thought it was a very calming movie..like a "im feeling depressed so I'm gonna watch eat pray love and eat an entire carton of ice cream" movie. Heather Ray: I can’t stand her character. Somewhere towards the end of Eat and the middle of Pray, I warmed up to her a bit, as in I didn’t want to stab her in...

Yes, I'm still on the kick about inanimate objects that scare me shitless .  When I finished the original post, I realized that I had made a huge mistake.  I left out the one that scared me the most. Dolls.  Mostly of the porcelain variety. You have to understand a few things about me.  I don't scare easily.  I'm the chick everyone wants to take to a haunted attraction or horror movie because I laugh my way through them... and also because I can point out exactly where, when, and what is going to pop out at you.  The success rate is roughly 95%.  Paranormal Activity 2 fucked up my perfect record.  Only because I thought it was safe to look directly at the screen when it was day time to them and because those cabinets were really fucking loud when they opened. I was that weird kid that was reading 800 page Stephen King novels in elementary school.  I watched Pet Semetary and IT when I was a toddler and never had an issue, which is...

This is probably going to become a regular thing on here because I inevitably learn things that I never wanted to know on a weekly basis.  I'm not talking about finding out that your parents are still having wild sexual gymnastics parties involving swings and your childhood bed, but random facts that I pick up here and there, like how there's pig skin in gummi bears.  Although now that I've put the image of your parents having athletic sex in your head, what I'm learning you today is probably a lot less horrifying. I'm a HUGE fan of learning things.  I like to be smarter than everyone else and whip out my scholastic prowess at random to impress the masses.  I also love to read and I do it quite frequently.  I even read shampoo bottles when I'm in the bathroom when I can't quite bear to gaze upon fine Swedish home furnishings one mo' again. However, in my educational and literary journeys, I often come across things that appear interesting, so I res...

I have a lot of fears that other people don't.  I'll blame most of them on Stephen King.  Trust me when I say that this is just the short list of weird and probably unfounded phobias. Take storm drains for instance.  What is there to fear about a seemingly innocuous hole in the ground?  I'll tell you. You'll just be sailing your awesome paper boat down the flood water when this fucker pops up. "Hiya, Georgie.  Aren't ya gonna say "Hello"? Just count that boat as a loss, man, 'cause he's going to eat you.  I told you.  "It" didn't make me fear clowns, but it did make me afraid of storm drains because that's where they live. Banana Boats Again, seemingly innocuous, but they aren't.  I will NEVER ride one of these.  Ever.  I like watercraft, but I hate banana boats.  You'll just be riding along on your yellow phallus, not a care in the world....   Hey, we're just chillin'. You're ...