The Randomist

A moment ago I thought to myself, “If my ovaries had nuts, I’d kick them in them.” And then I realized that was too many thems. Also, that my ovaries kind of ARE my nuts. And that I say also too much. They’re not being terribly evil at the moment, but that “special time” isn’t so special. It’s irritating and it pisses me off. Like that saying goes, you shouldn’t trust anything that bleeds for seven days and doesn’t die. Therefore, I no longer trust my vagina. I thought I would share a few of my thoughts on menstruation with you. 1.) I think it’s a horrible joke on me that my gynecologist is attractive. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a wonderful doctor, but I don’t think his hotness is a bonus for me. Initially, this had me wanting to clamp my legs shut and waddle out the door. Gynecologist visits are in direct violation of my “Never naked with the lights on” rule and having an attractive man see me naked under fluorescents was almost more than I could take. He makes delightfully...

Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock. What the FUCK is that NOISE?!? Oh wait, that’s right. That’s just my BIOLOGICAL CLOCK TICKING! (Side note: why does no one ever say its tocking?) But seriously. How can this be happening? I’m only TWENTY THREE!!!! There are a multitude of reasons why this shouldn’t be happening to me right now. I’m not even going to try to list them all at this point except the most obvious, which is… I’m poor. No, seriously. I really am. I’m still like a small child… that smokes, drinks, and cusses like a sailor, but the point is… As mature as I am, I am still WAY too immature to procreate right now. I can’t even afford myself the majority of the time, so what the hell would I do with an extra human lying around? Unlike me, the baby could not subsist on cigarettes, Coke, and Velveeta shells and cheese for long periods of time. They need new clothes every five and half minutes because they either A.) Soil themselves in some fashion or B.) Have grown a...