The Randomist

I never realized how much I loved potatoes until I made a decision to just not eat carbs until I depressed myself into being thin. That's what Keto is about, right? You know what's super fun about this diet? Everyone is all YAAAASSSS, GIRL! ALMOOOONDS!!! And I'm just over here trying not to die because I'm allergic to almonds. And I love them. They just don't love me back. Kind of like that one guy. Dick bag. Still, giving up potatoes and toast is more painful than trying to overcome an unrequited love. I feel like there's a Taylor Swift song in here somewhere. Bitches can't even effectively eat their feelings now because all of my feelings live in carbohydrates. I slowly eased myself off of those happy little endorphin producing shits and now I'm eating somewhere between 15-30 grams a day and I'm fucking over it. I almost had a nervous breakdown in a dollar store the other day reading the nutritional values on candy bars. Someone sneezed and I yel...

I’ve decided to get drunk and watch Fifty Shades of I Obviously Fucking Hate Myself.  Being drunk is necessary for this because I don’t think I could handle it sober.  I’ve assembled a Sexually Frustrated Spinster Kit that includes: Cheap Booze (Bud Light Mixx Tail Hurricane and homemade wine slushies), frozen Boston Market Dinner, and doughnuts so I can eat my feelings later.  All I’m missing is several cats, but I’m sure in this instance we can just substitute with a large and neurotic dog.  Ina Garten assures me that if I can’t go milk the tears of angels themselves, store bought will do. I present to you now… All the thoughts in my head while becoming increasingly inebriated while watching Fifty Shades of Grey. I’ve cracked open a Mixx Tail and I don’t know why, but I’m disappointed that it’s so so much worse than I anticipated.   I feel like I probably should have just bought some Southern Comfort and made them myself.   But I felt that g...