The Randomist

It is universally recognized that most places on this big green ball have four seasons. Winter – It’s cold. Spring – Shit grows. Summer – Shark Week. Fall – Shit dies. That being said, I would like to point out that the state of North Carolina actually has five seasons each year. Some of these seasons overlap for maximum discomfort and they’re known to us by slightly different names than the aforementioned. Season 1: Buy Milk and Bread Seriously, winters are coming , you better be prepared. If there is even a slight chance that a single snow flake could fall from the heavens, the grocery stores are going to be packed and then emptied of everything but candy wrappers and sadness. It is a state law that mandates that when there is a winter weather advisory, you must go buy all the milk and all the bread in all the lands. You could perish in the temperate winters of the South. We’ve seen Alive ; we know how this story ends. We’re prepared to eat our neighbors if we h...

I'm all shook up. Sorry, had to get one more Elvis thing in there. I told you last blog about the broken footed journey to Baltimore. It is time to tell you the rest. Dear old cousin Keith was getting married, technically in PA, but Baltimore is way better, and we spend more time there... moving on. Our Dad took his bike up there, and left us the Expedition. Well, being the graceful and highly intelligent person that she is, Celia decided that it would be a truly excellent idea to fall down the stairs the night before we left. She sprained her ankle and broke the outside of her foot. But, since I was just getting onto 485 from the other side of Charlotte when I got her panicked phone call, I had to make her wait. I get there, and now The Boy Child, her son, is following her around, doing this really great limping hopping imitation of her, I love this child. We say our goodbyes and I drive her down the mountain to the hospital, really cute doctors by the way. We do the x-ray ...