These e-mail exchanges take place between August and October. A few days ago I get another email. This time from her paralegal. This woman is extremely polite and well written. She’s my dream, y’all. Or was.
Good Morning Heather, I hope you are doing well today.
We received the attached Mediator Order from the North Carolina Industrial Commission.
Once a Form 33 is filed, the parties must participate in a mediation conference. If the case does not settle at the mediation, then it will be placed on the hearing docket to be heard before a Deputy Commissioner.
We can hold the mediation conference in our office (we are located in the Rich As Fuck area of Charlotte, NC). Please let me know if you will consent to this, and I will get started setting this up.
I can work with this. I can really work with this. Except for the home field advantage.
Is there another place that would work for you? My work schedule and location doesn't leave a lot of room.
Where are you located? We may be able to find a location in the middle.
Have a great Friday and I look forward to hearing back from you.
See? This is how it should have been from the start. She’s willing and eager to work WITH me.
I live on the east end of My County and work in That City. It generally takes an hour to make it to Your County because of the traffic. Somewhere around This Place or That Place would be preferable if possible. How soon can this be scheduled after a location is agreed upon? Fridays are better when they're over. Enjoy your weekend.
Would you be agreeable to come to our office for the mediation during "off peak" hours to cut down on the traffic. Say around 10:00AM or 2:00PM. I do not know of a location in This Place or That Place unfortunately. We are about 30 minutes from Your County. We will be mediating with Mrs. SAME LAST NAME AS THE FOUNDING PARTNER OF THE FIRM. Please let me know if you consent to this, and I will work on getting dates.
And there it goes. What part of this is inconvenient are you not understanding? I’m fully aware of how long it takes me to get to where you are from where I live and it’s more than 30 minutes. It’s over an hour away. And are you fucking serious with your mediator? She has the same last name as what’s on your letterhead. That sounds like it’s fair. Why don’t we just get my mom to mediate? She’ll be super objective.
It took two hours to talk myself out of sending this as a response.
I'm still tempted.
But I refrained and sent this incredulous sounding (or at least I thought it was) email.
Last Name as in Last Name, This Guy, That Guy, and The Other One?
And then I get this.
Hi Heather -
Yes - our office (Last Name, This Guy, That Guy, and The Other One) at this address.
Please let me know when you can.
I KNOW THAT THAT IS YOUR OFFICE! I am not nearly as stupid as you think I am. I know that that's where you goddamned work you fucking moron. It's only on every fucking piece of correspondence I've ever received from you people.
I was actually referring to the mediator's name being the same... I need to check on a few things as that location, as I said, is inconvenient for me.
It saddens me that I had to point that out.
Yes, the Mediator’s last name is “Last Name” and she does not work with our firm. There is no affiliation; she just happens to have the same last name.
Forgive me for not believing you. I'm not a big believer in coincidence when it comes to people who lie for a living. Her last name is "Last Name", so that's not REALLY her last name? Is she living under an assumed identity? Is that why you put her name in quotations?
Would you be willing to hold the mediation at the My County Public Library in This Town? They have meeting rooms available for depositions and mediations.
Hi Heather, I will check with the Mediator to see if she will be willing to travel to the Your County Public Library in This Town, NC. We will need (2) private rooms at the library. Are you aware of a cost to hold the conference rooms? I doubt our Client will be willing to pay a "room fee" given that we can hold the mediation in our office for free. I will let you know if the Mediator will consent to driving out there and if you could let me know about a fee that would be great. Thank you!
I'm starting to get really confused by your use of quotation marks around things that don't need them. Are you trying to talk to me in code? Pass me secret messages? I'm to meet with "last name" at this place as long as there aren't any "room fees"? Like, I'm actually going to be meeting your fixer and I should bring money or supply drugs or make sandwiches? I have no idea what's going on here.
I just keep seeing this:
|I have no idea what people mean when they do this.|
There is no fee.
For fuck's sake, it's a public library. They don't generate a ton of profit. I doubt they're going to charge you money to sit in a public space for an hour or two and argue. Quietly.
OK- let me check w/the Mediator to see if she will be willing to travel there w/out a fee.
So now we can't even be bothered to spell out complex words like 'with'? PROPER MOTHER FUCKING USE OF THAT FORM OF PUNCTUATION, BITCHES! Is that professional? AAAAAND.... And I never agreed to your mediator. That's really going to fuck up your day when I point that one out, isn't it? My only goal in this is to cause you as much trouble as I possibly can because the longer this gets dragged out the worse it's going to look on the Little Attorney Who Stopped Talking To Me.
I seriously see this entire mediation process playing out like the first part of Wedding Crashers. I will, at some point, yell "DON'T LOOK AT ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE!" "YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO ME!"
Pray for me, y'all. Because this shit is far from over.