Because I'm so Badass and Efficient

I like awards.  I like the getting of them and I like the having of them.  I've never won a trophy in my life, but I'm sorely tempted to have one made for myself because I can.  That won't be happening anytime soon because I'm poor and have better things to do, like stealing awards I was never given from websites that offer them freely.  I honestly feel as though I deserve each and every one of the awards TheBloggess posted on her blog today.  Every.  One.  We'll start with inefficient efficiency.


I work in a photolab at my friendly neighborhood "store-mart" and I do the frowning intently at the computer screen thing to make myself appear busy when in reality, I'm really just looking for naked pictures at best and old men in speedos at worst and being pissed off that the raunchiest thing in our system is someone eating a penis cake with asymmetrical balls.  As long as I have the editing box up, I can totally say I'm just enhancing someone's shitty candids from their wedding because Joe Bob's got his hand down his pants and can't you please dear God just blend that into something else, maybe a fern or a nice potted plant.



Fuckin' a right, doggy.  I gladly accept this award because every time I see one of you do this, I want to punch you in the face so hard that you die.  Actually, I try to reserve that anger for your/you're and there/they're/their.  Which leads us to...



It's a daily battle, but I feel that I have the urges to kill mostly under control... usually.  I wouldn't feel this way if it wasn't for the fact that I'm the...




Seriously, they really are.  I know that your native language and the ability to make change correctly takes you to the breaking point on a daily basis, but honestly, if Darwin was right, these wouldn't be issues for you anymore.  Why?  Because you would have been killed in a terrible and completely avoidable accident involving an angry llama or perhaps a sleeping bear.


Just because Jonathan Taylor Thomas was able to lure a horde of angry bears back to sleep by singing softly and farting doesn't mean that you can too.  While we're on the topic of natural selection failing and supreme stupidity...



I don't care if you're 18 months old or not, it is no excuse for falling down a Goddamned well and becoming famous off of it.  Baby Jessica is the same age as I am and so far, I've avoid falling into gaping holes in the ground and I'm still not on the news for being smart enough to avoid this.  I'm smart enough to realize that it's probably not a good idea to keep walking where there isn't any fucking ground left and I'm not a household name... yet.

I totally deserved these awards.

Comments

Brianne said…
These are awesome awards and you deserve every one!!! {PS If you click on the box that has the awards in your sidebar, click on the corner of one of the awards and drag, you can shrink them to fit! ^_^}
The Randomist said…
It's not letting me click and drag anything. Blogger hates me sometimes. If you'll notice, the text above the boxes goes off page also.
Best awards ever! Love love LOVE them.

I should however get Leader in the Field of thinking, no knowing, that everyone else is wrong...
The Randomist said…
TheBloggess spreads her awesome award love everywhere she goes. I now bestow them upon you, Brahm of where the alfred lives. Go forth and show your badassedness.

If I had any clue what the hell HTML was about, I'd totally make you the Leader in the Field of Thinking, No, Knowing, That Everyone Else is Wrong award.

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