Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Sometimes I Don't Like Learning

This is probably going to become a regular thing on here because I inevitably learn things that I never wanted to know on a weekly basis.  I'm not talking about finding out that your parents are still having wild sexual gymnastics parties involving swings and your childhood bed, but random facts that I pick up here and there, like how there's pig skin in gummi bears.  Although now that I've put the image of your parents having athletic sex in your head, what I'm learning you today is probably a lot less horrifying.

I'm a HUGE fan of learning things.  I like to be smarter than everyone else and whip out my scholastic prowess at random to impress the masses.  I also love to read and I do it quite frequently.  I even read shampoo bottles when I'm in the bathroom when I can't quite bear to gaze upon fine Swedish home furnishings one mo' again.

However, in my educational and literary journeys, I often come across things that appear interesting, so I research them.  This is usually a mistake.  While doing a project on Sex in the Civil War, I decided to Google syphillis.  Google Image is not your friend.  I honestly had no idea that it so closely resembled leprosy of the penis... or that it would cause said appendage to fall off with little to no provocation.  I do now. 

Yesterday I cleaned out the front passenger seat/floorboard of my car to allow access for at least one passenger in a five passenger vehicle and I found the book I had been meaning to read for the last two months.

Go to fullsize image


One doesn't typically associate Nora Roberts with horrifying images, but one would be wrong.  She's my guilty pleasure that I generally try to keep people from knowing that I read.  Sometimes a bitch just needs a happy ending, okay?  She's also an excellent writer.  I suggest you give her a try if you haven't already.  Even if romance isn't your thing, the story lines in her hardcover novels are intriguing and well written.  She also paints a very vivid picture.

Somewhere in the second half of the book, she has her two main characters and sprained ankle guy running from a "fire devil".  This is not to be confused with an actual demon from hell, but it's close enough.

I says to myself, "Now what in the world is a fire devil?  I must look this up."  No, no you shouldn't.


THAT is a fire devil.  It's a tornado made of fucking fire, y'all.  They can grow up to a mile high and have wind speeds of 160mph.  And uproot 50 foot trees.  On fire.  They spawn out of forest fires because apparently fires create their own weather systems.

Mother Nature has effectively merged my two greatest fears.  If this shit starts shooting out spiders, I'll die.  I'll just go right ahead and die and get it over with.


Yippee kay-yay, Mother Fucker.


To quote Hyperbole and A Half, they're "little pieces of death wrapped up in scary" and I'm not fucking with them.

There are just some things I'm better off not knowing about and this is one of them.  Sometimes I don't like learning.

2 comments:

Brittany said...

I've been told a few times that I was weird, and you'll probably agree when I say that the fire devil is definitely scary, but I'm more disturbed by the fact that gummy bears have freakin' pig skin in them! :-l ...and I love gummy bears lol.

The Randomist said...

Same goes for marshmallows. It's not so much that the pig skin is IN them, it's more like the liquid used to make them is broth from pig/cow bones/skin. They also have carnuba wax, which is an ingredient for car wax.

There is good news though, they make vegan gummy bears and marshmallows.

I'm Southern, so I eat pork rinds whenever they're in the general vicinity of my face, so Im not terribly frightened by the gummy bear thing.

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