Dolls Creep Me the Fuck Out, Y'all

Yes, I'm still on the kick about inanimate objects that scare me shitless.  When I finished the original post, I realized that I had made a huge mistake.  I left out the one that scared me the most.


Mostly of the porcelain variety.

You have to understand a few things about me.  I don't scare easily.  I'm the chick everyone wants to take to a haunted attraction or horror movie because I laugh my way through them... and also because I can point out exactly where, when, and what is going to pop out at you.  The success rate is roughly 95%.  Paranormal Activity 2 fucked up my perfect record.  Only because I thought it was safe to look directly at the screen when it was day time to them and because those cabinets were really fucking loud when they opened.

I was that weird kid that was reading 800 page Stephen King novels in elementary school.  I watched Pet Semetary and IT when I was a toddler and never had an issue, which is saying a lot when you have this staring back at you.

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This is totally a guy in real life.

And also because the really cute dead kid ate Herman Munster.

When we factor in that by the time I was six I had been exposed to more gore and violent death than most adults, it's surprising that I never had nightmares about any of it. 

Until this came along.

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I will fuck your shit up, yo.

I had nightmares for a week after watching Child's Play.  I have absolutely no idea why.  When it came down to a choice between a child molester that fed off of fear and killed you in your dreams, a mentally challenged, overgrown kid that drowned and now seeks revenge, a clown that would eat you, and a doll that you could just give away or burn, I don't see why the doll won.  I slept with my parents for a month after watching this thinking that they'd pose more of a challenge to a two foot chunk of plastic, or, at the very least, serve as a tasty distraction while I ran away.

They were a little wary of letting me watch horror movies after that, but I finally convinced them that I could handle it and I did.  Week after week I would select the most horrifying movies I could find at our local video store and I was fine with it, but I drew the line at that cymbal crashing monkey murderer movie because it just seemed like too plausible a story line to me.  That could totally happen to someone, I'd seen Puppet Master.

Having regained my confidence in the "Shit That Will Kill You" area, I decided to test the doll waters once again.  But this time I was prepared, I was going with the B-rated movie.  How bad could it be?  As it turns out, pretty damned bad.  I've carried this constant fear of being murdered by dolls for going on twenty years now.  I can watch Chucky today and laugh, but I won't even touch the case of this movie for fear of angering it.  I present to you now, Dolly Dearest.

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You're probably thinking, "Is this bitch serious?  THAT has given you nightmares for twenty years?"

That's just because you haven't seen her hulk out yet.

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You won't like her when she's angry... or possessed
by evil Mayan gods.  Whichever.

I can't even LOOK at a doll without thinking it has ulterior motives.  My worst fear (behind spider spitting fire tornadoes) is that I'll walk into a room of porcelain dolls and that one will turn its head and wink at me. 

I now present to you "Creepy Ass Dolls on Parade".

Bitch, I will hunt you down and eat you.

It has baby teeth.  And a sly look on its face.  Nothing good can come from this.

Homeless doesn't mean harmless.

Again with the baby teeth.  This one's hungry, psychotic, and evidently homeless. She also has poor oral hygiene. So, like a Komodo dragon, even if she doesn't succeed in devouring you whole, the infection from the bite will kill you. Lose/lose.

I'm dead inside.

This one seems harmless enough, but take a closer look.  It's the dead eyes.  They're always a give away.

I honestly just don't have any words for this one other than WHY DOES THIS EXIST?

You might find my fear of inanimate objects silly, but it's not.

Dolls are only inanimate when you're looking at them.


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