Other People's Bill Collectors

Someone, who shall remain nameless, has used my name and  number as a reference on things in the past.  When you're a reference and said person changes addresses and phone numbers, you get called.  A lot.  So you tell these collectors of bills that you are NOT that person, do not SPEAK to that person, and sometimes that you don't even know who they are.  Please remove my information and let's not speak of this again.  Please and thank you.

And then you tell them that repeatedly over the course of a few years.  And then you report one or two of them to the Federal Trade Commission for harassment or for phishing or scamming or because their voice sounds stupid.

And then you get fed up.

Like, righteously and mightily pissed and well beyond fed up because JESUSCHRISTIDON'TOWEYOUMONEYWILLYOUPLEASESTOP!

And then the yelling happens.

Today I awoke from a nap because my mother was currently screaming at her oxygen provider because they wanted to re-bill her for something that was refunded to her because it should never have been taken out of her account to begin with and I know your name isn't George Washington Carver.  You're in India.  Your overly patriotic fake name doesn't make me identify with you and I can't understand a fucking word coming out of your mouth.  Elocution classes are a worthwhile expense, offshore call center people.

I also had a world class fucking headache because I'm all "I NEED GLASSES SO I WON'T DIE WHEN I READ THINGS" and then I'm just "I CAN SEE THIS SHIT PERFECTLY FINE SO I FORGET I HAVE GLASSES TO STOP THE HEADACHES" so then I get a horrible headache and have to wear the glasses after I eat a lot of pain relievers.  Even when I don't read things or need to navigate around large, easily noticeable objects because I tend to plow into them with a lot of force because I think they're over there when they're really like two inches away from me.

None of this matters or probably makes any sense,

Woke up.  Screaming.  Headache.  There we go.  I had a voicemail on my cellular telephone device that never has enough signal to be useful where I live, so I call it from the house phone and instantly become irate because these bill collectors have called again.  I filed bankruptcy to stop these calls and now I get them for people who are not me.  Righteous.  Anger.

I write down the number and call them back.

It rings and rings and rings and rings and my anger is just steadily growing because my head hurts and I hate whoever is going to answer even though they didn't call me personally.  I hate them.  Hard.

"Thank you for calling _____, how can I help you?"

"Well, you can start by removing my damned number from your system and leaving me the hell alone!"

"NO!  YOU can start by addressing me accordingly!"


"Address you ACCORDINGLY?  And how would that be?"  (I'm a little loud at this point, as is the guy.)

"I'm sure your mother (MY MAMA WHAT, SON?) advised you at an early age to answer the phone with 'hello' before you start..."


"NO!  YOU LISTEN TO ME! blarljfohifokhjfldkh------"

I hung up on him.

I was seething!  I have never been quite so angry about any 30 seconds of phone conversation in my life!  But I realized that he hadn't removed my number from shit and that this would keep happening, so I went outside and called him back.

*ring ri---* "Thanks for calling ____"

It's the same mother fucking guy, y'all.  The same.  Mother.  Fucker.

"Hello, Sugar.  How are you today?  I don't want us to fight anymore, but could you be a dear and do me a favor?"  (I'm Southern and have an accent, but I really poured it on thick here.)

"Yes, ma'am, what was.... I'm sorry.  I can't  *Dies laughing*  Oh my God.  *more laughter*  What did you need?"

Now, I'M laughing too because this whole thing was fucking ridiculous.

"I need you to take this number 000-000-0000 off of your call lists because I'm not the person you're looking for."

"So, you don't know ____ (Completely mangles last name)?"

"(Corrects last name.)  Yes, but also no."

"So you're not speaking to them?"

"That's right.  And I'm sorry about earlier.  I keep getting calls from these 855 numbers, which is a strange number, so I assume it's always the same company and I keep telling them to stop and they never stop."

"I understand.  I've taken your number off.  Have a wonderful day!"

"You too."

The last time I had gotten a call, I put the number in my phone but had forgotten to call back and go through this with THEM and so I called THEM too.

*ring ring*

"Hello, darlin'.  Did you get another call from us?"

I died.


Jaclyn said…
My dad is that guy whose phone number changes every 3 months or so, and he's taken it upon himself to give out his children's phone numbers as a reference. Apparently it wasn't bad enough that my brother, who was named after him, had terrible credit as a child because my father started using his social security number every time he wanted to open a credit card... or have a fresh start with the electic company.

It takes a lot for me to snap, especially over the phone, but I had such an awful experience with Comcast (for the 2 weeks I had their service) that every time they try to contact me, even if it's just an advertisement addressed to "current resident" in my mailbox, I find myself say "HAHA. FUCK YOU, DIE IN A FIRE" out loud, in the hallway of my apartment building. Die in a fire. I have to tell you, it's a very satisfying insult.
The Ghost said…
That story was hilarious but I'm sorry that you had to go through that whole ordeal. I've been there so many times with idiot bill collectors and I know how frustrating it can be. The next time you get a call from an unreasonable collector, try blowing a brass whistle in their ear every time they begin their speech. Trust me...They'll stop calling!!!

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