I Can't Feel My Face

I now present to you my trip to the dentist, as told through a series of text messages and Facebook statuses.

Me: Fuuuuuuck. They’re running behind. No fix for me today. Yay. Why can’t they just handle this in one fell swoop? I hate sitting in this place with these people. 10:59am. (I was in the dental office at the Health Department… because I’m poor and they charge less.)

Me: I’m starting to feel poorer, pregnant, and less smart…. I’m a terrible person. 11:08am.

Me: These kids across from me are borderline creepy… and I think the woman with them is slow. Most of these kids are just emitting some kind of annoying pheromone. There should be an adults only day. 11:13am.

Me: This one kid seriously looks like an old man. I’d take a picture if I could. 11:15am.

Quasi-Mexican: Gross. I take it you’re off today? 11:17am.

Me: Yes. What a way to spend it. I think one of these crotchlings has shit… Something smells… My ovary just shriveled up and died. 11:18am

Me: Nope. Pretty sure it’s the mother that smells that way. 11:25am.

Quasi-Mexican: That’s just nasty. 11:36am.

Me: In all fairness, the bathroom smells like that, but it did get stronger as they passed by. I feel like I should brush my teeth like 5 more times. 11:38am.

Me: Come shoot me? 12:08pm.

Me: $183 later, my tooth is filled, my eye is numb, and I have a severely weakened tooth that is mostly made of filling. That is why it broke. Yay. 1:05pm

Heather Ray: I feel a giant blog full of hating coming on. If you can not control your crotchlings, I will punt them across the room. Being at the dentist is horrible enough without having to deal with your walking welfare checks. 2 Hours Ago.

I almost grabbed a little boy. I almost said, “Do you know what happens to little boys that don’t listen at the dentist? No? They take you to the back, strap you down, and rip your teeth out one by one while you scream.”

But what came out of my mouth was: “They’ll take you to the back, strap you down, and bring out ten little girls to kiss you all over your face.”

My self-control is phenomenal. And I probably need asshole lessons. I also kept myself from smacking a woman across the face while screaming “HEY! FAT ASS! It’s your own Goddamned fault you got knocked up! Stop telling your kid that he’s the reason your life sucks!”

Fucking. Cunt. That kid, the one who looked like Benjamin Button, asked to go home with me. I almost took him and his Depends with me.

I had to wait in that room for over an hour with those people and their shitty kids. And then the dentist, thankfully, decided to go ahead with the fillings. She also managed to stab her needle right into my nerve. Again.

I can’t feel my fucking eye, y’all.

I feel like my face looks like that mythic, noble man-beast from Beauty and the Beast, the soap opera… with Linda Hamilton. I’ve got your fucking woman, Outlander.

Now I just need her to mush my lips over my cigarette and possibly tell me when my drink is at my mouth.


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