Monday, February 15, 2010

Three Compelling Reasons I Use to Justify Not Exercising

Fat People Pictures, Images and Photos

Every weekend I tell myself I’m going to start working out on Monday and every Monday I take a nap instead.

I obviously have my priorities straight.


Everyone always says really negative things about fat, so I'm going to list three positive things.


1. Loestrin (the birth control that doesn’t make me throw up on a daily basis) has made my boobs borderline amazing.

- Seriously. They’re close to being what I want them to be. Stairs are a little tricky if I try to take them with any amount of speed, but my God the bounce! Losing weight will only jeopardize this love affair I have going on with my boobs. I KNOW that when I lose any amount of weight, it will come out of my boobs. Karma is a nasty hag.


2. If I lose weight, my cheeks won't be so fat and I'll lose my dimply/creasy things when I smile.

- My cheeks have always been pudgy, many people think that it’s endearing and like to pinch or poke them. I think it’s cute sometimes. Other times… I wonder what’s going to happen in ten years when the collagen is really starting to break down in my face and it can no longer support the massive weight of my cheeks and I have jowls. But that is neither here nor there. The thing that is both here AND there is this… my fat cheeks do great things for my smile. When I scrunch my cheeks up into a smile it squishes all of it together and I get these lovely creases around my mouth. My Granny calls them the parentheses of my mouth. Hmm… Since gaining some weight, I have now also developed dimples underneath the corners. I don’t want to lose my creases and dimples. I’m afraid that if I lose weight I’ll lose those bonus points of cuteness and have to start all over.


3. My winter body keeps me warm.

Polar Bear Pictures, Images and Photos
-Dude… bears totally have the right idea. During the summer and fall you just eat and eat and eat and nap and nap and eat and nap some more and maybe steal some honey and piss of some bees, eat the face off of a tourist or two, get to be on “When Animals Attack” and then during the winter… you stay warm. Just. Because. You’re. Fat. It’s like a reward for being so bad ass and awesome. If it’s ok for bears it’s ok for me. If I were to lose this winter body I could waste away and perish in the temperate winters of the South.


Those are three highly compelling reasons to not ever exercise again. Great boobs, cute smile creases, and survival.


Although the bonus chin does tend to cancel out a great deal of all that awesomeness.


And sometimes… my fat attacks me. It literally attacks me and causes pain. It’s generally in the bra fat region of my back but can also sometimes occur in the mid to lower back region, depending on the angle at which I bend.


This is a serious matter. It’s really quite painful and no one ever wants to admit what really just happened… that your fat actually just turned on you and attacked.

You know… one minute you’re standing there and the next you bend over backwards for whatever unknown reason anyone ever bends over backwards in something other than a metaphorical sense, and the next thing you know… your fat has actually doubled back on itself, rolled inwards, and pinched you.

Don’t even act like it hasn’t happened.

8 comments:

Kendra Brown said...

Best post. EVER! And you're right about the boobs. 50% of the weight I have lost has come from my boobs. Now they fit perfectly in my hands. Sadness.

Brianne said...

Miraculously I have lucked out to neither gain, nor lose weight in bewbs. Maybe cause they were so big before I was adopted into the Fatty McFatterton's? Either way...I wish I could find something endearing of my obeseness. I just can't.

Loved the post though, made me laugh out loud. And smile at my computer like a moron. ^_^

Brianne said...

PS LOVE the Zombie Button...that's wicked awesome, can't wait to see what else it leads me to!

history_of_water said...

A lot of modern Americans are fat because of the terrible state of the nation. There is so much free-floating insecurity around in terms of money, employment, housing, transportation, etc that many people eat to feel secure...food has become a coping mechanism for many people, one of the only things that make them secure.

So yes, it is a survival thing for many people.

When the warm weather comes around again, one of the best ways to exercise is to get out and work in a garden if you have some gardenspace nearby. That way you'll lose some weight while growing food! Or you can always just walk, which is very very easy.

dragonflyandsun said...

I have the "Fat People Are Harder to Kidnap" magnet on my refrigerator right next to the "Jesus Loves You...(but everyone else thinks you're an asshole)" one.

Excellent motivational tools to be a little slack on the exercise, plus to remind me there's nothing wrong with having my own attitude and being somewhat asshole-ish.

bethany. said...

Agree with everything posted here...

Seriously, what's with the boob thing?? It's not even just that they shrink... they *deflate*. The only thing that bring them back to their bouncy wonderfulness is cheesecake. Therefore, cheesecake=bouncy boobs=everyone wins. =)

The Randomist said...

Buffalo Bill was the only person to really successfully kidnap women with more to love. It's a good thing that he was an excellent seamstress because I would totally bag on his hips.

Everyone IS an asshole. I happen to enjoy the assholery of people like myself, like YOU, Dragonfly. Being slack at exercise and having an attitude are two of my favorite things, yo.

The Randomist said...

Bethany. For. Serious.

That's exactly what they do... deflate.

I've been the poster child for National Geographic tits since they first bloomed past the "Is that a mosquito bite?" stage. When they were assigning parts up above, I heard "tits" instead of "wits" and went through that line twice just to make sure I got enough. Now I have to keep my arms above my head at all bra-less times just to ensure they stay where they're meant to. Not. Sexy.

Cheesecake Tits? You are a fucking genius, lady.

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