Monday, February 15, 2010
Every weekend I tell myself I’m going to start working out on Monday and every Monday I take a nap instead.
I obviously have my priorities straight.
Everyone always says really negative things about fat, so I'm going to list three positive things.
1. Loestrin (the birth control that doesn’t make me throw up on a daily basis) has made my boobs borderline amazing.
- Seriously. They’re close to being what I want them to be. Stairs are a little tricky if I try to take them with any amount of speed, but my God the bounce! Losing weight will only jeopardize this love affair I have going on with my boobs. I KNOW that when I lose any amount of weight, it will come out of my boobs. Karma is a nasty hag.
2. If I lose weight, my cheeks won't be so fat and I'll lose my dimply/creasy things when I smile.
- My cheeks have always been pudgy, many people think that it’s endearing and like to pinch or poke them. I think it’s cute sometimes. Other times… I wonder what’s going to happen in ten years when the collagen is really starting to break down in my face and it can no longer support the massive weight of my cheeks and I have jowls. But that is neither here nor there. The thing that is both here AND there is this… my fat cheeks do great things for my smile. When I scrunch my cheeks up into a smile it squishes all of it together and I get these lovely creases around my mouth. My Granny calls them the parentheses of my mouth. Hmm… Since gaining some weight, I have now also developed dimples underneath the corners. I don’t want to lose my creases and dimples. I’m afraid that if I lose weight I’ll lose those bonus points of cuteness and have to start all over.
3. My winter body keeps me warm.
-Dude… bears totally have the right idea. During the summer and fall you just eat and eat and eat and nap and nap and eat and nap some more and maybe steal some honey and piss of some bees, eat the face off of a tourist or two, get to be on “When Animals Attack” and then during the winter… you stay warm. Just. Because. You’re. Fat. It’s like a reward for being so bad ass and awesome. If it’s ok for bears it’s ok for me. If I were to lose this winter body I could waste away and perish in the temperate winters of the South.
Those are three highly compelling reasons to not ever exercise again. Great boobs, cute smile creases, and survival.
Although the bonus chin does tend to cancel out a great deal of all that awesomeness.
And sometimes… my fat attacks me. It literally attacks me and causes pain. It’s generally in the bra fat region of my back but can also sometimes occur in the mid to lower back region, depending on the angle at which I bend.
This is a serious matter. It’s really quite painful and no one ever wants to admit what really just happened… that your fat actually just turned on you and attacked.
You know… one minute you’re standing there and the next you bend over backwards for whatever unknown reason anyone ever bends over backwards in something other than a metaphorical sense, and the next thing you know… your fat has actually doubled back on itself, rolled inwards, and pinched you.
Don’t even act like it hasn’t happened.
Posted by The Randomist at 8:33 PM