Resolving More Than My Carpet

So, people are making their New Year’s Resolutions with all the sincerity their little hearts can muster all the while knowing that after the initial week of doing good or at least better things is up, that they have absolutely no intention whatsoever of following through on any of them.

Knowing that I never keep my resolutions prompted me to take a stand last year. I made reverse resolutions. I made resolutions that I did not ever want to keep with the hopes that, like every other year of my life, I wouldn’t keep these either.

A short list of those resolutions:

1. Gain twenty more pounds.

2. Go completely broke.

3. Get raped and killed.

And you know what happened?

I kept them. Obviously with the exception of getting raped and killed, but I substituted that with “Getting attacked and almost killed” which is an acceptable alternative.

I gained twenty more pounds. I filed for bankruptcy. I was also attacked and robbed.

I lose at the Resolutions game. My resolutions made me their bitch. The one year that I keep my resolutions and I resolved to do horrible, horrible things.

At least I got a blog or two out of it, right? A few jokes, a lot of therapy, and I now owe people money for funding aforementioned bankruptcy.


2009 rocked!

Like a massive earthquake in a big city.

Having been given the hope that, yes… I CAN keep my resolutions, I decided to change the game again this year and resolve for better things… I would say more easily obtainable, but dude… those things were incredibly easy to obtain, all it took was a lot of chewing, spending, and looking helpless and defenseless… all things I excel at.

So, this year… I am going to resolve more than my carpet.

2010 Resolutions (in no particular order):

1. Learn 10 songs on the guitar… and be able to sing them at the same time.

2. Write at least 2 full songs, music and lyrics.

3. Lose an unspecified amount of weight in excess of 10 lbs and NOT gain it back.

4. TRY to let go of the past.

5. TRY to let go of toxic friendships.

6. Call people out on lies and bullshit.

7. Finish my fucking book.

8. Get out and experience more of life so my book will have more pages.

9. Keep my 4.0 GPA.

10. Take chances.

11. Save money.

12. Have more intelligent conversations.

13. Ask a famous person out on a date… and make them go.

14. Let people take more pictures of me… I want to leave my memories.

15. Learn how to be more photogenic.

16. Get my teeth fixed.

17. Get a passport and use it… Canada and Mexico count.

18. Learn how to properly shoot a gun and practice when I can.

19. Re-learn a martial art and learn self-defense.

20. Use my newly acquired skills on friends that annoy me.

21. Do a cartwheel the correct way (and not the fall down and get rug burn way).

22. Write a letter to a famous person and demand a hand written letter in return.

23. Send a message in a bottle.

24. Take up painting.

25. And… that’s a lot of fucking resolutions, we need one more: Be published in some fashion OR be on TV, and NOT the surveillance video like last time.

26. Oh, and not gain weight, be poor, or get attacked again.

Some of mine might be simple, some a little more difficult, but they’re all designed so that I can try to enrich my life in some way.

So, what are your resolutions?


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