Sarcastic Woman Seeking Someone to Laugh at When They Fall Down

I’m going to be completely honest here, as the truth will surface eventually, or on the first date if you supply me with enough alcohol (When I drink, I tend to tell stories that are hilarious to me, but may make others that don’t know me so well feel a little awkward).

I’m 23 years old. I’m unemployed. I moved back in with my parents over a year ago and the prospect of me moving back out is a dim glimmer on the horizon of my rent-free life. I live at home with my disabled mother, idiotic and often ill-tempered step-father, and a fickle beast of a cat.

I am going to school for something I only have a vague interest in so that I can graduate in two years and start making decent money right off the bat… I honestly have very little interest in giving pregnant women ultrasounds, especially when many of them are done internally and resemble acts of lesbian love.

I am not skinny. Given today’s standards, I am what you would call “average”. Were I to grow another six inches, I would be what you would refer to as “built”, but as it stands now (at 5’2)… I have a big ass. I had a big ass when I was skinny, and I will have a big ass when I’m skinny again. My teeth are not perfect. I have two slightly crooked teeth on the bottom and two teeth on the top that like to try to partially hide behind their neighbors… I generally don’t smile with teeth, but I’m learning to accept this flaw for what it is since dentists don’t usually accept sexual favors for payment.

I used to drink quite a bit and had a decently high tolerance for alcohol but ever since I have moved back to North Carolina, I don’t drink nearly as often and I’m afraid that when in the mood for drunken silliness, I become inebriated quickly.

I use big words sometimes, if you can’t understand what I’m saying, it’s probably best that you not send me an e-mail full of misspellings, incorrect verb tenses, sound alike word mistakes, grammar errors, or in “gangsta” speak. Swole is not a word. My spell check and grasp of the English language tell me so.

Sarcasm is second nature to me, maybe even first nature, I don’t really know since I’ve been using it for so long. I will make fun of you, to your face, and not feel the least bit guilty about it. I will also horse laugh and most likely snort when and if you fall down or injure yourself in some other way. I’ll be okay with it if you laugh at me when I fall down… there is entirely too much gravity these days and accidents happen.

My friends can be assholes. My friends don’t even like each other and may not even like you. I’m a bit of a commodity and when they want to see me, they want to see me and get pissy when silly things like homework get in the way. A lot of people also think that I’m probably a lesbian because I haven’t dated since I’ve been back in town. This is Union County after all and there isn’t a wide variety of people who I consider “dating material”, or in other words “not fucking stupid”. I cuss like a sailor (which I almost was, but that’s a story for another day).

If you do not understand sarcasm, if you have no wit or sense of humor, if I can’t con you into watching what I want on TV and if you don’t like The Boondock Saints, please do not bother wasting my time.
As it stands, I bring very little to the table at this point. I will not buy you nice things, I will go dutch but I expect you to pick up a bar/meal tab once or twice, you know… just to make this as much like prostitution as dating can be. I am more than likely not going to have sex with you anytime soon unless you really know what you’re doing and can get me past the point of “Whatever, I’m just going to lay here until it’s over”… Good luck with that.

I am no beauty queen although if I make an effort, I can pull off cute, even pretty at times. I am rockin’ the beer gut. I never had this problem before I discovered the many joys of alcohol, but alas, it is here and I like to play with it sometimes and I’ve been pretty lazy lately, so it’s probably going to be keeping me company for awhile yet.

So, if you’re interested in a witty, sarcastic, physically flawed, unemployed, poor girl that owes the IRS money, a girl who lives at home with her mom (that conveniently sleeps in the next room), and owns a cat, feel free to e-mail me with a picture and an honest description of yourself and what you’re into. If you drive a 1982 hatchback Honda, play video games for more than 2 hours a day (every day) or are into RPGs, don’t even bother. And please, do NOT send me a picture of your dick, or someone else’s dick that just happens to me more photogenic, or visible. That’s not the prettiest sight in the world, or Play Girl would have fared better.

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