Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Adventures in Retail Hell Pt.1





Now, don’t get me wrong, I had many fun and memorable moments at the place I used to work; a place which may or may not sell various tractor components as well as a wide array of interesting things for those who partake in the rural lifestyle.

Just today, I threw a book at an elderly gentleman as he was exiting the store, which had closed an hour before due to it being New Year’s Eve. I would not have thrown my delightful non-fiction comedy at this man if he hadn’t moved with the mental speed of a stoned turtle. The doors were closed… and turned off… but not locked.

Ok, question time here folks, if you walk up to a retail store and the AUTOMATIC doors don’t open, what would you do?
I, personally, would walk away, but does anyone here do that? NO! They pull the doors open and walk in.
“Sir!”, “We’re closed!” I say.

Elderly gentleman followed by wife proceeds into the checkout area.
Wife, “Oh, you’re closed?” No shit Sherlock!

“Yes ma’am, we’re closed, we closed at four today.”

They walk out leaving the doors wide open; I throw my book.

Of all the times for old people ears to work, he hears it and comes back to close the doors which I have sprinted to and locked. At a death defying speed I might add. I smoke, and just walking fast enough to keep my feet from shuffling is an aerobic exercise, so running is pretty much out of the question except it dire situations.
But sadly, these were some of my brighter customers.
It’s disconcerting to know that my living space is co-habited by people whose gene pools are so shallow I could stand on a Popsicle stick and keep my toes dry. These next few examples are things that happened on pretty much a daily basis.
We didn’t have to wear uniforms at work; we wore what we wished plus a super cool red vest! It had my name on it. It had the company’s name on it… and their logo. And it was BRIGHT RED, which just happened to be the company color.

I’m meandering around the store, trying to look busy, picking stuff up and putting it in a different wrong spot when this man approaches me. Now, I’m not getting a “Hi, my name is __________ and I’m a Fuck Tard!” vibe off of him, he seems pretty average, but woo boy. He’s special.
“Hey, do you work here?” says the special man.

I bite my lip, look down at my vest for a minute and put on my most pensive expression

I pull out the vest so all the names and logos are clear, turn my attention back to Special Ed and say “No… I just like the vest”. And with that I turn and walk away from the man I’m sure was created from one of the sperm with no tail.
Then there are the people who had the disadvantage of not being able to see my spiffy red vest. They would call and ask questions. One of my favorites was:
“You’re right next to that Chinese restaurant, right?”

“Yeah, you mean the No. 1 Buffet?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s it. What’s the number?”
Oh. My. God. OHMYGOD!
Umm… 411? I’m not information. If I had that kind of power I wouldn’t have been working there.
Sometimes they would ask for other businesses, usually our competitors, and God forbid we not have what they were looking for or they might just say in their best bitchy voice “Well (Insert dramatic sigh) I guess we’ll just have to go to Lowe’s to get that”. Right, and I care why?
Back to the phone thing though.
Here at (Insert name of farm equipment store) we had to answer the phone like the six dollar an hour professionals that we were. It went a little something like this… Hit it! Sorry.
“Thank you for calling __________, this is Heather, what are you looking for today?”
One, it sounds rude, so I would add all of the southern charm I had to it and turn it into a Paula Deen like greeting of “Whatcha lookin’ for tuhday?” Nice, huh?

Two, its inviting a proposition of some sort. The most common answer I got was “Aha, you”. Weyull, fiddle dee dee mister, watch as I swoon right into the bed of your pickup truck. Or we have my personal favorite, which I reported to my boss, who didn’t care, “Hot, steamy sex in the shower”. Ok, it was my best friend, but still.
Ok, so this would happen, at least once an hour, every day.
“Thank you for calling ______; this is Heather, whatcha lookin’ for tuhday?”
“Umm… is this ‘name of the store where I worked’?”
“Nope, it’s Pizza Hut.”

You were definitely a two headed sperm.


Tune back in later for the stunning conclusion!

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