50 More Shades of Why Do I Keep Doing This to Myself

            Obviously I hate myself. I keep doing this. I keep watching this shit. Why? And you’re going to want to watch this movie as you’re reading this or else it’s not going to make a ton of sense. But borrow someone else’s copy so you don’t spend money on this because they deserve none of your dollars.

If I’m being perfectly honest it’s probably just for attention. I don’t go in for selfies so I just push my wits on people like a shameless humor hussy. A humsy? No. That sounds like a blow job being given by someone that seems wholesome and wears sweater sets and is really only doing this so her husband would agree to the family portrait with the CockaPoos where everyone is wearing the same sweater and she wanted him to look less like he was going to become a statistic on murder suicides and more like he doesn’t hate his entire existence.

            Jesus fuck nuts. Welcome to my 14th Annual Nervous Breakdown. I’m blaming Dakota Fanning. She isn’t even in this shit. It’s Dakota Johnson. But my mind immediately moves to tiny Dakota Fanning as Brittney Murphy’s co-star in Uptown Girls and God Damnit I have that song by what the fuck is his name stuck in my head. Why can I only think of Elton John and Bruce Springsteen when he is neither of those people? WHO THE FUCK IS THE PIANO MAN?

Billy Joel.

His name is Billy Joel.

There’s been a lot of stress in my life lately and it’s evidently just choosing to pour out of me right now as I break myself in by watching some terrible Bonus Feature called Darker Reunion and I AM ALREADY ANNOYED BY DAKOTA FANJOHNSON.

The director looks like every single divorced middle aged man that I’ve encountered at a party that was held in or around a garage or some other large pre-fab building. He would be the one wiggling his hips to “Boogie Woogie Choo-Choo Train” and trying to grope your mom.

But I could listen to Jamie Dornan’s real accent all day. The director talked a lot about making you more of a physical threat? MORE OF A PHYSICAL THREAT? I am so perplexed by that statement that I just held down the shift key for that whole sentence fragment instead of hitting Caps Lock. You beat the shit out of her with a fucking belt at the end of the last movie. Like, literally whipped her like Jesus in The Passion of the Christ except she didn’t get nailed at the end and you need to be more physically threatening? Were your pants no longer hanging in just “that way” and you needed to hit the gym to bulk up with a hockey booty? THESE WORDS DO NOT COMPUTE. ER. OR. ER. OR.

Okay. I will eventually move on to watching this movie and not what is evidently a fucking gag reel.

Deep breath in…… and let it out.

I have made margaritas of untold strength with tequila that I bought for no other reason than it had sugar skulls on the front and people are celebrating Dio de los Muertos this weekend and I really, really want some of the 300 tamales my co-worker was making to take to her church tomorrow. Fun fact: She now calls me Pepino. It means cucumber. How did this come about? My random ass fucking brain just thought the other day at 7:00am “I wonder how they say cucumber in Spanish. I bet it’s weird because cucumber is a weird word. My dad called them cue-cussins as a child because he has evidently always been special needs because that isn’t even remotely close. I think I’ll ask someone.”  And now I’m a Spanish Cucumber. The word is fun, but less fun than I anticipated. I need those tamales. And more tequila.

I’m always torn as to whether I should watch the theatrical version or the unrated version because the theatrical version of The Exorcist was a fucking shit show of audience reactions and apparently that’s not the unrated version that was released a bunch of years later and I need to know what’s better or worse because I don’t want to have to repeat this performance again just to catalog the differences.

Also, do the words in this post count as today’s word count for NaNoWriMo? Asking for a friend. It’s me. I’m the friend. But for serial. Does it?

And awaaaaaay we go!
  • ·         The first words of the movie are “You silly fucking twit” and I’m like, I know, right? But he wasn’t talking about Anastasia and I feel like they could have called her a cunt instead of a twit and a bitch, at least a twat. Something. Damn. Earn this rating, guys. Work harder.
  • ·         Also, I grew up with yelling and name calling and shit being thrown and I don’t have nightmares about it or wake up in a cold sweat. Everyone say hi to my therapist! She’s playing along at home.
  • ·         Oh, now I feel like a dick. He’s burning the baby with cigarettes. Jay. Kay. I’d probably have nightmares about that shit too. I mean, I’ve been burned with cigarettes, but it was a legitimate accident. And I’m still afraid of being burned so, yeah. Totally understandable. Moving on.
  • ·         Could y’all not take some more stem off of those roses? They’re tall as fuck.
  • ·         The music is on point again. The people that score these films are still geniuses.
  • ·         Ooh, hey blonde illegitimate and evil brother of Christian Grey. Hey, girl, heeey. Spoiler alert? My bad?
  • ·         “Coffee. Weak and black?” LIKE MY SOUL? HEEEY-OOO.
  • ·         Mr. Hyde? Fucking seriously?
  • ·         Oh. Danny Elfmann. Musical genius.
  • ·         Ugh, it’s the laters baby guy.  I will punch E.L. James in the lady business for that.
  • ·         Obvious foreshadowing is obvious. Looking at you similar looking brunette with mental instability.
  • ·         Token person of color. Oh, two of them. Both assistants or servants in some capacity. Tequila got me woke AF right now.
  • ·         “There’s just so much of my face in here.” – Me looking at my cheeks in every picture.
  • ·         “If I’d asked you like a decent and normal person you wouldn’t have consented, so I had to force it upon you like I did that awkward ass kiss when you were drunk outside of a bar. Because I’m a piece of shit.” – Jose
  • ·         Ah, fuck. I’m identifying with Ana again. Damn it.
  • ·         Whyyy would you put portraits of your friend up for sale without their consent? This seems super illegal. And this is coming from someone who was all up in Federal Copyright Law for a few years.
  • ·         Her awkwardness is so relatable and I feel so dirty because I would be all cringey in anything remotely resembling this situation too.
  • ·         Every time someone in these movies says “Hold on” I just know they’re going to say ‘Spider Monkey’ afterwards. I’m torn between relief and disappointment that they haven’t yet.
  • ·         Jose sort of looks like, “Shit. Now I’ll NEVER get to rape her. GAAAAH!”
  • ·         You keep saying talk but you also keep trying to mount her.
  • ·         Maybe it’s because I’m poor, but I have never understood why people basically drink wine in shots. Imma need you to fill that whole glass up, Clarence. Mama’s getting white girl wasted.
  •         I have the subtitles on and it just said (Moans) and I was like… do deaf people moan during sex? How do they know? How do they know if the other person does? I need to feel someone’s chest while they moan. I mean, if you’re free and all Instagram Guy. That sounded dirtier than I meant it. You could totally just be eating really awesome cheesecake like you’re a Golden Girl while I molest your pectoral area. I have tequila. This is for science, man.
  • ·         “This is all spiky.” *Giggles like small child after their father rubs beard stubble on cheeks and neck for tickles. So, yeah. That’s super fucking creepy and sort of pedophiley even though you’re both adults. Have I ever been this innocent? She’s still oddly repressed for someone that’s been bound, gagged, and whipped with a riding crop.
  • ·         What is this dude’s obsession with Apple products? WHY ARE WE STILL USING LATERS BABY.
  • ·         I need another margarita. I already have heartburn. It is 9:30 at night and I’ve been up since 4:15 this morning and I have heartburn already and this is going to be unpleasant but I need to kill the pain holy shit what just thumped in the basement.
  • ·         HR Lady: I’m just here to encourage… while staring at you like I’m about to rip your baby from your uterus and eat it in front of you. Resting baby cannibal face isn’t a thing. You’re just psychotic… looking.
  • ·         “Calm isn’t really my forte.” Says the man that has no emotional reaction or facial expression to anything ever. If you were any calmer you’d be dead, my guy. Just piss on her in front of the boss and be done with it.
  • ·         Her kinky jokes are tamer than any innocent thing I’ve ever said in my life.
  • ·         *Is deliberately provocative* *Tries to make him make a sexy move* “You only have to ask.” “I think we should take it slow.” You might want to stop molesting him then. I feel like that’s a sexist thing I just said. Has the patriarchy won here? Or is it just human decency to not rub yourself on a person like a cat in heat and then be like J/K?
  • ·         *Throws vagina at him. But slowly.*
  • ·         I really like her apartment. I sincerely doubt she makes enough money to afford it, but reality isn’t welcome here.
  • ·         I get that they have their naughtiest of bits covered while they appear to be naked, but how awkward is it to have a married man that you have not and will not ever sleep with and who doesn’t seem to like you very much as a human pull your underwear off while making direct eye contact with your lady business? What does that part of the script even say “Sensually shakes head with face buried in crotch”?
  • ·         “Kiss me.” *Stands.* *Pushes back down* Oooh. I feel so awkward right now. It’s like the books all over again where she can’t call anything what it really is. Her vagina is ‘down there’ and now this is just ‘kiss me’. Just say what it is. I would have paid good money for an outtake where she says “EAT IT LIKE IT’S GROCERIES, BITCH!”
  • ·         The place I paused the movie to type this makes me super thankful that my blinds are down and that I don’t have any close neighbors.
  • ·         I’m not feeling the music here. I feel like it’s what 17 year-olds listen to while dry humping because they’ll be in love forever.
  • ·         “Why do you think you waited? For sex.” It was crucial to the plot that I remain unsullied, silly. Duh. But I’ll throw out some classic literature and fictional men that no one could measure up to (despite the majority of them being RAGING BAGS OF DICKS) as reasons because 2015-2017 is so similar to the Victorian ages where women were super repressed (If only there wasn’t some seriousness to that statement) that I thought I should behave the same way and wait for some guy to do some really creepy, rapey shit and also beat me before I’d put out.
  • ·         I’m so tired of looking at her boobs. Is she excited? Is it cold? Is there a person on set whose entire function is fluffing her nipples?
  • ·         “Kinky fuckery.” Hard pass. I feel like James read ‘Fool’ by Christopher Moore and stumbled across the phrase “Heinous fuckery most foul” and then ruined it for her own devices.
  • ·         Was any of that last bit necessary? A slide and a moan and then right into Terror Town with the crazy ex-girlfriend? This movie is actually LESS awkward than the Netflix show of that name.
  • ·         I was almost distracted enough by his ass to miss the 70’s porn bush on the other side, but alas, it’s there and I can’t unsee it. But his stalkery shit never gets any less weird.
  • ·         “No more lies.” “Okay.” Lies about all the things.
  • ·         Kim Bassinger looks like Murphy Brown. And made of plastic. It is NOT fantastic.
  • ·         I always get dossiers on all the guys I want to bang. Totally normal.
  • ·         White dudes always thinking they own women and shit. FUCK THE PATRIARCHY, ANA. No, not literally. Fuck. Shit, no. DON’T FUCK.
  • ·         You can touch me with lipstick, but no hands. “Then I’m all yours. Except, you know, my entire torso.”
  • ·         There are zero things about that get-up that look comfortable, so have some benwa balls.
  • ·         Odd thought, he’d look really hot with suspenders added to his pre-jacket outfit.
  • ·         Ugh, of course he put his balls in her mouth. Couldn’t just put them in his own mouth, could he? No.
  • “Now bend over.” “YOU’RE NOT PUTTING THOSE IN MY BUTT.” – Every woman ever. Also, I can’t stop laughing now.
  • ·         It’s time to break the seal. Mostly because I need another margarita. The dogs are asleep and are going to be mightily pissed at me once the blender starts and now that I thought about peeing I suddenly have to go so bad I’m going to have to turbo waddle to the bathroom.
  • ·         Score one for the home team. There was enough left in the blender for another glass full. But oh dear God the heartburn. I’ll just be over here eating Alka Seltzer fruit chews, downing Nexium, and binge eating dark chocolate covered peanuts. Obviously I’m no longer on my diet. I needed the carbs. I’ll back off of them again when I’m out of alcohol.
  • ·         Okay, I have a dumb but serious question. What is the point of masquerade balls? Those people still look exactly like those people except with shit around their eyes. It’s like the Clark Kent/Superman dumbassery and blindness. Is it because their noses are sort of covered too? If you know what a human being looks like because you’ve looked at their naked face on a few occasions I’m going to go out on a limb and assume you would probably recognize them with a partial mask on. Could be wrong. I work makeup to my Grandma’s funeral services/viewing/family dinner last week and my own relatives had to double take me. My eyelashes are naturally fabulous. I don’t know where the confusion came from.
  • ·         Rich people are extra as fuck. Wouldn’t it be smarter to take all of the money you spent on the ball and your gowns and tuxedos and limos and shit and just give that to the charity along with everyone else’s donations?
  • ·         Whoa. I was NOT expecting that voice coming out of that guy. He’s like a freshly shorn Side Show Bob. I feel real uncomfortable right now. I spoke too soon about the score of this film. The first song was great. I’m going to download that shit tomorrow. Every other song since has been displeasing to my ear holes. I am being aurally assaulted. Feel free to make your own sex joke because of phonetics.
  • ·         I am never charmed by anyone singing off-key. Even children. I will punt you.
  • ·         Marcia Gay Harden. Christian’s Mother: SVU.
  • ·         I think it’s the singer’s mouth. It’s too large.
  • ·         This bitch. I don’t want any kink. Please tie my hands and spank me. You need a keeper and possibly a helmet. Definitely a chastity belt.
  • ·         Dakota Johnson’s parents must be so proud.
  • ·         I really wish all a dude had to do was say “Come for me.” Life would be so much better for all of us. So much better. Has this woman never read anything about female orgasms and how our bodies are basically designed to work against us because our sex partners are selfish and lazy and it wasn’t until recently that anyone even understood anything deeper (haha) than the bare biological functions of the vagina?  And that’s stretching things. Pun intended. The vast majority of adult human beings don’t even understand hymens or how they work. And there goes a tangent. I NEED MORE TEQUILA AND LESS FRUSTRATION WITH SOCIETY.
  • ·         “I know I sexually assaulted a minor child, but I did it to SAVE HIM.” Simmer down Michaela Jackson.
  • ·         Oh, Kim Bassinger’s face is so hard to look at. She needs Demi Moore’s plastic surgeon because hers done fucked up. I like her head scarf though.
  • ·         I made a typo up there and my very slightly inebriated ass tried to touch the word to fix it. I don’t have a touch screen lap top. I’ve had a smart phone for too long. I’m ruined.
  • ·         Why are they pronouncing Leila like Lela? Is it now Princess Leah? This isn’t how words work. Lei is always LAY.
  • ·         How fucking long is that lipstick going to last on his chest? Did he not shower after they had sex and before they went to the party? Musty ass mother fucker.
  • ·         She’s really bad at being emotional. Like, so bad. He’s not great at the acting either.
  • ·         Does he just fully stock everything he owns with clothes for Ana that perfectly fit every occasion?
  • ·         I can’t hear that Taylor Swift/Zayn song without hitting a really terrible falsetto. It makes me happy.
  • ·         Jack is a dick. But I already knew that.
  • ·         Finally, a successful and powerful black business woman on screen.
  • ·         She has really bad chicken legs. They’re like sticks. I think my arms are bigger than her thighs. *looks into arm toning exercises*
  • ·         The rooms in his apartment are the size of my entire house.
  • ·         “Does she… dust… in here?” Awkward Ana is the best Ana.
  • ·         Jesus. Last time we did this exact thing in the same way was totally different.
  • ·         The score has improved again. It will never live up to the sheer artistic genius and timing of Beyonce’s cover of her own song “Crazy in Love”.  That was a piece of cinematic mastery.
  • ·         I get cramps in my piriformis muscle and that spreader bar looks like it would cause me to go into a full blown debilitating ass cramp. Holy shit. I spelled debilitating right the first time without looking at the keys.
  • ·         Okay. That flipping her around by the bar shit was pretty hot.
  • ·         Why do these people think I can read these tiny text messages at an angle? I need you to put them ALL up on the screen so my old ass eyes can see them.
  • ·         Jack is now a bigger dick than he was. He’s not obviously rapey like Christian from the first movie, but somehow worse because there’s not even the remote possibility that any of her wants him. I kind of feel like his entire character evolved out of a need to make someone look worse than Christian since Jose didn’t have enough substance to exist as barely more than a second thought. It’s really like she had to make every other man besides Christian and those in his orbit horrible so he’d look good in comparison. Why is this movie bringing out so much literary and social commentary? I’m just glaring at my glass full of margarita. Tequila has turned its back on me. Stop making me philosophical like pot. Except I think I’m actually making sense to OTHER people that aren’t also super high this time. My tolerance for this White Devil is apparently much higher than I anticipated and I’m sad about it. Not sad enough to take straight shots, yet, but still. This isn’t fun for me anymore. Now we have rape and danger and sobriety and I’m sad.
  • ·         Man, can I get a hot rich boyfriend that can throw his weight and money around to fix all of my problems?
  • ·         He’s being awkward and it’s cute and fuck this shit. No. Do not do this to me. I don’t want to like any part of him that’s not his body, specifically his ass.
  • ·         Apparently it was just Dick Bag Jack that made the HR lady look like she eats freshly snatched unborn babies.
  • ·         His office is really nice though. I’d live in that place.
  • ·         Thank you for putting the texts on the screen and not the phone. My old ass eyes appreciate you.
  • ·         Panties is such a weird word when a man tries to say it sexily. It makes it sound like they have the days of the week on them.
  • ·         Do not finger bang her in an elevator to Van Morrison. Don’t do that to him. Don’t sail her off into the mystic or dance her into the moonlight. BAD TOUCH. BAD MOTHER FUCKING TOUCH.
  • ·         She got one ball in on the break. That’s not super impressive. Running the table is. Good save. Obvious ploy, but still.
  • ·         He does not have a sexy grin. It’s mostly just awkward.
  • ·         “I’m going to be rough with you.” Proceeds to have run of the mill sex while bent over a pool table. It seriously doesn’t even look like he’s any good in bed either. There’s no style or finesse or technique. Very unimaginative.
  • ·         Melodramatic sad walk in overcast weather. Put a hood on to look extra broody.
  • ·         I feel like he would be a better actor in his own accent. It’s like he’s concentrating more on sounding American than he is his performance.
  • ·         Ooh, he let her touch them titties. It must be love.
  • ·         I don’t even remember what it was like to be in my early twenties when my boobs still had high hopes and aspirations and didn’t just look down all the time. Fuck you, 30’s.
  • ·         For some reason watching a guy do hand balancing in yoga is way hotter than any other exercise they could ever do.
  • ·         His back deserves an Oscar.
  • ·         Rita Ora went from being Catherine Zeta Jones in Chicago to trying to be Beyonce. She looks like she should be named Taylor.
  • ·         Obvious foreshadowing is still obvious. Someone’s gaze is upon them. The windows they pass say “Jack’s”. Wonder who it could be…?
  • ·         Of course Kate is all tan and glowy. She just won that surfing competition in Blue Crush.
  • ·         A good step towards equality would be as much male nudity as female. They’re super proud of their junk, so why won’t the show it?
  • ·         I KNOW this is a movie and actors fake shit all the time, but was his wife actually cool with him biting someone else’s nipples? I’d have at least a little problem with my husband sucking someone else’s nipples at work. Maybe he had a stunt double?
  • ·         It’s like watching a robot have sex.
  • ·         Of course your mother is happy for you. You just snatched a rich ass husband.
  • ·         I don’t find asking the father or father figure for a woman’s hand in marriage to be chivalrous. We’re not property. It’s not like asking to borrow a lawn mower. It’s a human being. Ask the woman if she wants to marry you not if you can have her.
  • ·         It just gets harder and harder to look at Kim Bassinger’s face. Holy shit. Sue your plastic surgeon. They’re terrible at it.
  • ·         I also kind of hate the announcements where the person says “I asked them to marry me. And they said yes!” Why the fuck would you make an announcement about it if they said no?
  • ·         Kim Bassinger sort of looks like Chelsea Handler in 20 years after constant drinking and cocaine use. But worse.
  • ·         Why does his crackhead birth mother look like Rory Gilmore? Is this a flash forward from the Netflix special where it ends with her saying she’s pregnant? It was the one night stand with the guy in the wookie suit, wasn’t it?

  • ·         Who’s going to clean up the damn mess in the pool house?
  • ·         Told you it was Jack.

This took a surprisingly serious turn to be a drunken review. I never became inebriated and the acting never became any less painful. I don’t have a catchy tagline to end this one with. I just wrote four thousand words about this shit and not a damn one on anything else. I will say that, like the books, this one is an improvement over the last. Now it’s just a run of the mill movie that got cranked out to make bank off of bored or lonely women’s fantasies around Valentine’s Day.

Just remember kids, if you want to try out the lifestyle that the author got so fantastically and dangerously wrong, you have to research, research, research and remember above all else that everything you do HAS to be safe, sane, and consensual. I’m not even about that life and I know that. Sex toy related injuries skyrocketed in correlation to the release of these books and I do believe that in this very specific instance that correlation is indeed causation. Don’t end up in the ER because you were ignorant and tried something you didn’t know how to do. And as a parting gift, I’ll offer you this helpful tip from the friend I’ve had the longest that makes a living selling rubber and battery operated penises to people… don’t stick anything up your butt that doesn’t have a handle. If you think you’re too embarrassed to buy a butt plug, just imagine how much worse it will be (and expensive) when you have to go to the ER to have a regular sex toy or ordinary household item (or food, you nasty ass, literally) removed from your anus because you don’t have a cervix in there to stop shit from entering Deep Space Nine. Also, the batteries on some of those vibrators last a long fucking time and you’re going to be real uncomfortable after a couple hours of that all up in your business.

Also, don’t ever use a food based product in or on or around any orifices that aren’t your mouth. That bacteria is going to cause in infection.


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