My Drunk Review of... Fifty Shades of Why Do I Keep Doing This to Myself



I’ve decided to get drunk and watch Fifty Shades of I Obviously Fucking Hate Myself.  Being drunk is necessary for this because I don’t think I could handle it sober.  I’ve assembled a Sexually Frustrated Spinster Kit that includes: Cheap Booze (Bud Light Mixx Tail Hurricane and homemade wine slushies), frozen Boston Market Dinner, and doughnuts so I can eat my feelings later.  All I’m missing is several cats, but I’m sure in this instance we can just substitute with a large and neurotic dog.  Ina Garten assures me that if I can’t go milk the tears of angels themselves, store bought will do.
I present to you now…
All the thoughts in my head while becoming increasingly inebriated while watching Fifty Shades of Grey.
  • I’ve cracked open a Mixx Tail and I don’t know why, but I’m disappointed that it’s so so much worse than I anticipated.  I feel like I probably should have just bought some Southern Comfort and made them myself.  But I felt that good booze would have been wasted on this.  That’s why The Captain is sitting this one out.  He too faaancy.  You already know.
  • The good news is…  compared to the Mixx Tail, this frozen dinner is delicious.
  • It’s been so long since I’ve had any alcohol that I’m already starting a buzz by the end of my Mixx Tail.  I’m just going to watch Frozen until I’m finished eating.  A pre-palate cleanser.  Since I’m about to ruin my entire life by watching this bullshit.
  • Fuck you, Hans.  You piece of shit.
  • Alcohol is really not helping me quit smoking.  I kind of have no shits to give.  I had to give them up for this.
  • No, neurotic dog.  Staring at me from the other side of the chair doesn’t increase your chances of eating my dinner instead of yours.
  • Damn it.  It’s 2:30 in the morning.  It would be rude to run the blender.  I guess I’ll just pour my white grape juice and Sangria concoction in a cup and drink it without slush.  Which takes away about 25% of my enjoyment. 
  • Don’t break the seal yet.  Don’t break the seal yet.
  • The seal has been broken.
  • Okay.  I’ve wasted an hour.  I have to do this.  I’m sorry Playstation.  Just close your eyes and think back to all of the documentaries and TED Talks we’ve watched along the way.  The things that make us look smart and cultured.  Not this.  Never this.
  • I can never skip through the previews.  How many fucking movies is Julianne Moore IN this year?
  • The music is the only redeeming factor in this movie.  Actually, this movie has tainted quality music.  Damn it, Annie Lennox.  You’re better than this.
  • Oh, all of his fucking clothes are grey.  It’s some of that “symbology”.
  • Oh, you dress like someone’s grandmother to show just how different you are?  Are you unique?  Are you a special snowflake Ana?
  • Why is Iggy Azalea leading the clone army? 
  • Could we not find another way to tie everything together besides his last name?
  • Do NOT identify with how fucking awkward she is.  DO NOT.
  • Shit.  I identified.
  • I’m going to offer you a job based on how badly you failed at this interview.  I’ve been an awkward fucking mess in interviews and not one person has offered me a job or to sexually assault me because of it.
  • But holy shit, Jamie Dornan. 
  • Who talks like this?  Why are you taking her sandwich?  Why are you letting her take your sandwich?
  • Jose just called you his heart and opened the door for you.  How do you not know he wants to bang you?
  • Do Ana and Bella have the same mother?  Who the fuck has a flip phone?  Outside of Bigfoot shows anyway.
  • What a pleasant surprise I found you at your place of employment that I knew about because I’m stalking you.
  • You’re impressed by her ability to pull rope off of a spool?
  • Why does everyone want to bang her?
  • If you exercise control in all things, why are you letting someone drive your car?
  • Oh, his Irish is coming out.  You can steer clear of me as long as you keep talking with your accent.  And not turn rapey like your character.
  • Why is your hair always so bad?  Do you even own a brush?
  • I’m really enjoying drunk Ana.  Could we just keep her drunk for the rest of the movie?  Because that would be so much better.  “I will launder this item.”  *snorts*
  • It’s not fainting when you’re drunk, it’s passing out.
  • As much as you chew your lips and as much as you allegedly threw up, how is your lipstick still perfect?
  • Okay, I’ve laughed a lot more than I thought I would.
  • “Laters, baby” is so much more annoying out loud than in print.
  • Is Kate actually Kate Bosworth?  Is she going to teach Ana how to surf?  Again, much better movie this way.
  • Fucking Ellie Goulding.
  • Dakota Johnson has her mother’s mouth.  And little else.
  • (Operatic music playing) I watched a symphony perform with an opera singer the other day and it had subtitles.  Opera sounds ridiculous and not at all well written when translated into English.  A lot like this book.
  • Aaaand… I have to pee again.
  • The subtitles say “Exhales” and I feel like this sums up the movie pretty well.  Makes me think of when my dog flops down and dramatically sighs like he is just so done with everything.
  • “Are you going to make love with me now?”  The awkward hurts.
  • Hey!  He said come and she didn’t!
  • This room looks like the set of a bad porn.
  • I can’t say I wouldn’t react the same way as Anastasia to this… stuff.  Mostly out of curiosity and not interest.  Because while he’s hot, he ain’t that hot.  And I’ll pretty much try really hard to beat the shit out of anyone that comes at me with weaponry while I’m naked.  Or fully clothed.  I feel like this is how a lot of gun violence starts in domestic disputes.  I’d shoot a bitch.
  • Why do people find finishing a bottle of wine in one fell swoop to be a challenge?  I feel that this over half a bottle (plus the Mixx Tail) has not been enough for this.  I’m still standing and seeing straight.  I can still type almost perfectly without looking at the keys or screen.  I’m about three bottles shy of where I need to be for this.  Because I think after this point it’s going to be really hard for me to not start screaming obscenities at either or both of them.
  • “Men must have thrown themselves at you.”  I’m sorry.  What?  Have you even met this hot mess?  She’s basically like a more socially awkward version of me and I’m pretty fucking socially awkward.  But at that point in my life I knew what naked dudes looked and felt like.  And the only flip phone I had was a Motorola Razor.  Holy shit, I’m old.  Men have NEVER thrown themselves at me.  Except Xbox Predator Ed and Bald Guy from the Casino that said he had something to tell me and the next thing I know, he’s licking my teeth.  
  • “Rectifying the situation.”  I’m sorry, but where was the asking?  I’ll give it to the movie makers, this is a lot less rapey than the book.  Because regardless of how well he’s primed the pump, forceful and rapid thrusting during the loss of virginity is almost guaranteed to never be pleasant for the recipient.  At all. 
  • Okay, the people that scored this film are geniuses.  Except for their lack of judgment concerning Ellie Goulding.
  • He has a very nice man ass.
  • The set dressers get mad props too.  Ha. Get it?  Props.  Yay alcohol!
  • I’m not buying Marcia Gay Harden as his mother.
  • Oh, walking through the Washington forests?  Are you going to make her say what you are?  Are you going to call her spider monkey?
  • How can you make a pop culture reference when you have no knowledge of anything remotely modern?
  • Why is only the back of your collar popped?
  • Fuck.  He said that dumb shit again.
  • I really wish they had Chuck from the Nerd Herd setting up her computer.
  • Bitch, I’m half lit.  How do you expect me to listen to him read this bullshit while simultaneously reading these bullshit e-mails?  And I have to pee again.  Fucking. A.
  • Did he just spit wine into her mouth?  What the fuck, yo?
  • How safe is it to keep biting open your condoms?
  • Can we please read these emails aloud?  Even with my glasses this is becoming difficult to keep up with.
  • She’s wearing a Burberry coat?  What?
  • Why is there no lighting in his board room?  Who the fuck has backlighting and no interior lights in a professional setting?  Seriously?  How can they even read these papers?
  • I think butt plug is pretty self-explanatory.
  • “You want to leave?”“Yes”
  • “But your body tells me something different.”
  • Look, R. Kelly.  Her mind may be telling you no, and her body, her body, is telling you ye-eh-es.  But there IS something wrong with a little bump and grind when her mouth parts are telling you no.  Fucker.
  • I thought the Step-dad was supposed to be very taciturn?  He’s pretty upbeat for a cylon.
  • I might let a dude smack my ass a few times in exchange for an Audi.  I’m not even ashamed of that.
  • This feels a lot like a father disciplining a wayward child… but dirty…
  • Dude… if the person you’re seeing is causing you to burst into tears out of confusion and pain, you should probably not be seeing them anymore.  We’ve all dated that one asshole that did that.  The vast majority of us got over that and moved on to someone better.
  • Aaaaand she’s back for more and worse.  Awesome.  You dumb shit.
  • Are these the famous pants that hang just so off of the hips?  Because they’re pretty much normal pants on normal hips.  It would have been better to leave them unbuttoned though.
  • Oh shit, Beyonce.  It’s about to go down.
  • The Dirty Dancing armpit graze?  Cool it there, Patrick Swayze.
  • Did he just do the bend and snap?
  • That vee though…
  • Seriously, the person that scored this film needs a Goddamned award for this shit.
  • I have a funny feeling in my pants…. And it’s because I just knocked my fucking drink over in my lap.  Jesus Christ.
  • I’m not terribly well versed in BDSM, but where is the aftercare here?  You don’t just dump your submissive off and leave them alone in a room.
  • Is his sister Catherine Zeta Jones from Chicago?
  • It’s still pretty amusing to me that his mother worked with the SVU.  It’s pretty fitting.
  • Fuck, I have to pee again.
  • WHY IS THERE NO CORKSCREW IN THIS HOUSE?!?
  • Are you serious with this fucking flip phone thing?
  • Mother fucker, if I fly across the country to get away from you for a few days and you FOLLOW me… we’re going to have a problem.
  • Even if you take me up in a glider.  And it’s awesome.  I’m still going to be mightily pissed.
  • Why does she giggle like a small child?
  • Why does this glider look like sperm?
  • Aaaand he told her to hold on tight.  I braced for the spider monkey.  Thankfully it never came.
  • Oh, okay.  You’re pissed off and want her to go into the room with the hitty shit.  Negative.
  • If someone asks you to remember the safe words, some shit is going down.  You might need to run.
  • That was pretty anticlimactic actually.
  • WHY ARE YOU ASKING FOR THIS?
  • It’s like Liar, Liar when he says “Hit me again, Ike.  And this time put some stank on it!”
  • I kind of wish they had made it as graphic as it was in the book.
  • Why did you stay in his house? 
  • I get that you needed to make a point with this, but seriously?  You could have safe worded out.  He could have fucking noticed your misery and stopped.  THIS IS NOT HOW DOMINANT/SUBMISSIVE RELATIONSHIPS WORK! This is not safe, sane, nor consensual.
  • At least he is capable of understanding the word no.
  • That’s the end? Seriously?
  • No, I do NOT want to buy the Blu-Ray so I can enjoy the Unrated Version with Alternate Ending or anything else.  I’m not upset about missing out on the 70’s porn bush I’ve heard about and if I have to look at or listen to E.L. James pontificate on anything, breathe, or even exist in the same world that I do, I might just kill myself.  Like she should have done to this book.

Overall impressions:  Less rapey than anticipated.  It was funny in parts that I’m not sure were meant to be funny.  It’s basically like a B version of New Girl.  If Jessica Day was open to being sexually assaulted.

Two wine bottles for this one.  Because you need to drink the other three just to get through this.

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