Things That Irritate the Shit Out of Me

The title doesn’t really leave much room for a preamble, so let’s get this party started.



Rachael Ray.


She makes me ashamed of my last name.
                                                       
People who talk like Rachael Ray. I will break that fucking bottle of yummo delish EVOO all over your head, asshole. The point of an acronym in to make a short word out of a series of longer words, not to spell out the acronym. Eeevooo. Say it with me. We don’t call it N-A-S-A or S-C-U-B-A, do we?


Microsoft Word Spell Check. Only one of those sentences up there is a fragment. Also, I’m sorry that you recognize Ebonics as our official language and not English, but you’re not correct.



The fact that I can’t eat generic “fudge pops” without getting a ring of chocolate all the way around my mouth, which is exactly what I’m doing right now while trying to type this with one hand.


The fact that I type faster with my left hand than my right.


The fact that fudge pops look like shit on a stick and still manage to be appetizing.

Having to wipe chocolate ice cream from right beneath my left eye. Seriously, that’s nowhere near my mouth, how did it get there?


Having to wipe pancake batter from between my toes when I make breakfast. Again, I’m not understanding this.


People that have graduated high school and/or college and still don’t have a grasp on the English language.

People that spell ‘you’ as ‘yhu’.


People that abbreviate words when talking and/or typing. Delish, deets, preesh, presh, and vacay, or for the extremely lazy, vaca. What the fuck is a vacka? Did you feel so heartsick over the loss of being able to writ3 lyk3 dis dat yhu had 2 mak3 up n3w w3rdz?


People who think they’re rappers and are also too lazy to spell out their words. It took me a solid five minutes of saying “toma” out loud before I figured out that you were trying to say ‘tomorrow’. Also, it doesn’t have an ‘a’ in it. Neither does ‘definitely’. I defiantly spell my words correctly.

Yankees who think we’re stupid because we use language in a different way. I’m fixin’ to make me a mater sammich and you can go over yonder to hell if you don’t like it. “Yonder ain’t in no fucking dictionary.” Yes, it is, and way to throw out a double negative in the middle of harping on our dialect. Don’t like it? Go the fuck home. We don’t like your kind around these here parts anyway.


Chiggers.


I will crawl into your skin and eat your ass
from the inside out, bitches.
                                                         
People who aren’t funny or talented but become famous anyway.

Bad grammar.


Misspellings.

Double negatives.


People that ineffectually try to make me feel bad about myself so that they can feel better about their own shitty lives.

Broken records.

My Hanson and Lion King CDs not working.


Having to pee.


Having to hold gas because I’m so fucking polite.


People farting in front of me.

Birds.


Ugly people with bad attitudes. God couldn’t have been so cruel as to make you ugly AND not give you a personality.


People that get mad at me because I don’t speak their language. Lo siento.


Guys who grow vaginas because their girlfriends put their balls in a box with her earrings.


Having to shave any part of my body.


Aaaand… I’m going to stop because just about everything annoys the shit out of me.

Comments

Brianne said…
Do you people really spell 'you' as 'yhu'????? Seriously? Okay...I may be completely guilty of typing delish, vaca, and I hate to tell you this, by even a yum-o here in there. *sobs* Sorry Heather. :( To be honest, everything annoys the shit out of me too. I pretty much hate everybody and everything. Pretty much.
"Pressie" for presents and "brekkie" for breakfast. If I lived in Australia, I would be forced to live out my days as a mass murderer. Also "rents" for parents. Because that first syllable is just too complicated/taxing.
Miss Katinele said…
Shit yes.

Yes.

So much identification here.

Just - yes.
Anonymous said…
Que?

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