You're Stupid and I Want to Punch You in the Face Part 2.

I posted the last grammar lesson and then I even went so far as to post the link on Facebook with an urgent message to all of my friends to read it, it could save lives. Not an hour after posting this, I saw this on my news feed: “I hope your well”. I’m sorry, come again? You hope their well whats? Did you mean to say, “I hope you’re well”?


This is unacceptable.

On to the next!

To, Too, and Two.

I have this friend, and the title of her blog is “Two Much of a Good Thing”. This is the ONLY time I find this abuse of grammar acceptable! THIS, my friends, is what we like to call “a play on words”. She has twins, which means, there are two children. Ha ha, get it? TWO much? Ok, moving on.

To: To works in one of two ways, as either a preposition leading to a noun, or an infinitive when it precedes a verb. (Do I really need to post another lesson for “Nouns, Verbs, and Infinitives”? I will if I have to. God, just don’t make me throw in a split participle!) So, it’s either in conjunction with a location or something you’re about to do.

Examples:
1. I am going to the mental institution.

2. These people are going to drive me insane.

3. I am going to sleep now.

4. I have to get rest if I am to function properly.

Too: Too means “also” or “excessively”. When in doubt as to which form of “To/too” to use, replace the word with “also”. If it works, you’re a fucking champ! If it doesn’t, you need to rethink your life choices. On the other hand, if it’s meant to show an excess of something, just remember, you need an extra “o”, the “excess O”.


Examples:
1. You can go to the mental institution too. (You can go also. See? I win!)

2. It’s too bad about all of the face punching.

3. I hope they don’t think I’m too crazy.

Two: Is a freaking number. HOW HARD IS IT TO UNDERSTAND?!?

Examples.

1. It’s too bad that I only have two fists to hit you with.

2. Two comes after one, but before three.

Then and Than.

One little letter, so many problems. Do I use an “e”? Do I use an “a”? It’s just so hard to tell.

Then: This… has many uses. It indicates a point in time, a sequence of events, to replace the phrase “on top of that” (I will ** that particular example), and as a replacement for “therefore”.

Examples:
1. I should have smacked you then.

2. We’ll take care of that then.

3. First, you line their mouth up with the curb, then you stomp them.

4. ** Lawyers are expensive, then you have to pay court fees** (…expensive, on top of that, you have to pay … Do you see?)

5. “She called me a bitch.” “Then you probably deserved it” (Therefore, you probably deserved it.)

Than: Than is used as a comparison.

Examples:
1. Everyone is taller than me.

2. I make up for it by being smarter than them.

3. I’d rather stab myself in the eye than listen to her talk.


Of and Have.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus. I am aware of the fact that the contraction for “have” sounds almost exactly like the word “of”. I am aware of that. Say it with me, “Could’ve, should’ve, would’ve”. This sounds just like “Could of, Should of, Would of”, but that’s not what it freaking means!

Of: Of is a preposition that literally has 13 different uses… and not one of them includes the word “have”. Examples are better than listing the individual uses.

Examples:

1. My bat is made of wood.

2. She died of stupidity.

3. The sound of faces breaking.

4. The city of Compton.

A world without end, amen.

Have: I’m not sure I even want to tackle that one. Seriously, there are almost 30 different uses if you include words that can be used in its stead. So, in order to save our time and patience, I’m only going to use this to prove one point. Have can be used in a contraction with “would”, “could”, and “should” to produce “Should’ve/Should have”, “Would’ve/Would have”, and “Could’ve/Could have”. Do you see the word “of” in there anywhere? Do you?

We are now going to move on to the two grammatical errors that are extremely easy to make and don’t irritate me nearly as much. We’ll start with the one that irritates me the most.

Its and It’s.

Its: is possessive. It signifies something that belongs to the thing in question. The best rule of thumb for figuring out which form to use is this: If you replace “Its” with “his”, and it works, you win! If it doesn’t, then you you’re probably looking for “it’s”.



Examples:

1. Its radiator is cracked. (His radiator is cracked.)

2. Aw, its little feelings are hurt. (Aw, his little feelings are hurt.


It’s: It’s is a contraction of “it” and “is, as in, it is.


Examples:

1. It’s exceedingly excruciating to listen to her speak. (It is exceedingly…)

2. I don’t know what’s wrong, it’s not like we killed him. (It is not like we killed him… or “It isn’t like…”)


Affect and Effect.

This one is a killer and I often have trouble with it myself. Still, these words have two completely different meanings.

Affect: Affect is to influence or to act differently than you feel/are, i.e., to “put on airs”.

Examples:

1. Stupidity affects those around you.

2. I’ll try not to let this alcohol affect my judgment.

3. They affected an air of intelligence. (This means they were faking it, you big fat faking fakers.)

Effect: Effect is more of a result, as in “cause and effect.”

Examples:

1. Cause and effect. (I slay me!)

2. The sound effects in that movie were disgusting.

3. The affects of the medicine have different effects.

Due to the fact that I’d really like to keep my sanity, I am, once again, ending this here. When we return, we’ll be going over “Commonly Misspelled Words That Make Me Want to Stab You in the Eye.” I also might throw in a complementary lesson on “A vs. An” and explain the difference between “Complimentary and Complementary”. The more things I write, the more things come to mind. I, however, do not believe that I will be diving into Principals or bills on Capitol Hill.

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